The world is now officially upside down. The largest health care issue in America today is the opioid epidemic and the attorney general is waging a war on legal marijuana. That’s about as useful as telling the truth in the White house. Jeff Sessions ‘rolled back’ an Obama era policy that allowed Colorado and other States to legalize marijuana without Federal interference. This is the biggest overreach since Palin said she could see Russia from her back yard.

88 percent of Floridians support medical marijuana and with ‘numbers’ like this our government has been ‘rolling a few’ for its sparse research projects. The legal stash’ sits on a 12-acre fenced garden on the campus of the University of Mississippi in Oxford. Needless to say, students line up for a chance at accumulating community service hours weeding and tending to the plants.

“Students enrolled in our botanical courses have first dibs on ‘anything that falls on the ground in the course of the moving or trimming process” says Dean Wormer, “It’s a perk we award to only the highest achievers.”

Wormer is former head of legacy admissions at Faber College prior to his position at U of Mississippi as grounds-keeper of the government’s high profile plot.

“Since each plant is numbered and photographed each week, the occasional clipping of a bud or two for personal study is frowned upon and will be dealt with ‘harshly’ and we’re talking about a possible ‘double secret probation’ here. This does not mean students cannot revel in the overwhelming aroma of a fresh legal ‘field of dreams’ during their stint in the research garden. There’s something cool about ‘self-medicating’ and we think the entire student body should get in on this” said botanical student Jimmy ‘Ragahead’ Mumford.

Some of the crop is shipped to Research Triangle Institute in North Carolina, where it’s rolled into cigarettes, both at taxpayer expense and through generous grants from Frito-Lay, Ben and Jerry’s and Hot Pockets brands.

“We’re trying to scientifically establish a link between smoking weed and junk food consumption. When we can do that, we’ll fund whatever studies they want”, said Johnny Herbst, a spokesperson for the snack food industry.