New health plan gets off the ground

Republicans have added an old friend as an add-on to their new health care bill; Jack Kevorkian, the deceased euthanasia activist. “All the youth in Asia support Jack”, said SCROTUS, “So how bad could he be? It’ll be the best health plan ever and it doesn’t matter if you Don’t Know Jack, trust us.

In his celebratory speech after having gotten just enough votes to pass the contentious legislation, Paul Ryan said, “Even in death, he gives us another option”, as he listed a few. “It’s certainly the last health care plan you’ll ever need. There are no customer complaints, no pesky prescriptions to fill  and no waiting room.

A DMO (Death maintenance Organization) is the epitome of health care for the near hopeless and destitute among us. We offer them a ‘Lifeline’ so to speak.”

He continued, “Here’s a new twist to the plan.

Airport security x-ray equipment performs full body scans so a valuable medical function could be done with a little adjustment in power.

This equipment can see metal objects under clothes, so let’s juice up the current and look a little deeper. Passenger/patients who won’t be covered by our insurance need only buy a ticket to Orlando to get a scan.

The airlines don’t care where you go as long as you’re properly screened. They’ll just add a printer to the unit and bingo, you get an inexpensive medical scan as well.

If you use bonus miles, they’ll throw in a full cavity search for free.

How easy would it be to cross train TSA personnel with EMT training? They’re going to pat down a certain number of passengers anyway, so don’t be alarmed if they pat your crotch and ask you to cough at the same time.

Waiting in line at the airport is a lot shorter that waiting in the doctor’s office and there’s less coughing and hacking.

While you’re in there, stick your head in the machine and get a full set of uppers and lowers instead of an expensive x-ray from your dentist.

Think of it, a full set of X-Rays and frequent flier miles. Brilliant!”

Now if we can only work on the cavity search