Warning: Graphic descriptions of the inside of your nose may cause you to plug yours with a cork and never use it again.
While prepping the yard and house for the hurricane, we inhaled more dust and dirt than the last mule on a borax team in Death Valley. Rhinorrhea, the noses answer to the dusty onslaught, produced enough mucus to bind 6 tons of adobe bricks without using straw.
In our continuing series of body parts, (can’t live with them, can’t sneeze without them) we’ll learn about the nose, a part of your anatomy, which can only be seen in the mirror, when crossing your eyes or in the case of Pinocchio, grew so long when he was in Congress that people 2 blocks away had to hold the door open for him.
The nose is a wonderful product of evolution that stops foreign objects from entering your head and slithering straight to your brain. It does this by using fine hairs as the first line of defense. The second line of defense is a substance derived from its lining which is the same ingredients NASA scientists used to adhere tiles to the Space Shuttle. For the sake of civility we’ll simply call it ‘Moco’. Moco traps incoming germs, holding them until the nose, in a reflex called sneezing, blows them all over your dinner guests.
The sneeze itself doesn’t actually expel the germs. They are jarred loose by the loud sound, which causes them to cover their ears thus releasing their grip.
Luckily, we had a ‘Nasocup’ a device, the package assured us, would provide ‘natural relief for nasal congestion’. The word ‘nasocup’ comes from the Greek with ‘Naso’ meaning ‘nose, and ‘cup’ a protective device used by athletes.
I visualized a metal mask held on to the nose by means of straps around the ears. No such luck. Unwrapping the box, we took out what looked like a small ceramic teapot with a long spout that would be perfect for Barbies tea party or changing your oil. The instructions showed a smiling person lowering her head and putting the teapot spout in her nose so the saline solution could run up one nostril and out the other. I packed the device away, sat down and thought about gravity, how this would not work, and yet I was comforted by the fact that I might be at least the second person to shove one of these things up my nose.
I then thought of a Youtube video of a guy who obviously graduated from the ‘Think that’s cool? Watch this’ school of stupid shit to impress your buds.
He stuck the end of a string of cooked spaghetti in one nostril, inhaled, and used the same technique outlined on the ‘Nasocup’ package. I won’t tell you the rest except to say I’m sure, viewers all over the world went back to radio, although he might have made a case for nose flossing.
Not wanting to sniffle all day, I tried it, but almost lost it in the ‘Breathe through your mouth while the nose is full of water’ phase.
It was almost like the instruction on the chain saw that said, ‘Do not use to trim toenails’ I got some relief but can’t help thinking that the germs, upon seeing the rush of saline thought the dike had broken and retreated into the brain which caused material like this to actually be printed!