An open letter to our friends in Mexico from the people of the United States
We’d like to apologize for the rhetoric out of Washington, but let’s face it; every country has their own personalities to deal with. You have ‘El Chapo’, Russia has Putin and we have Trump.
We all know what we’re talking about here. OK, he got his ‘knickers in a twist’ because Hillary (remember her?) got more popular votes than he did. He won the election….let me repeat…..he WON the election but is suffering some kind of mental breakdown and won’t let it go. We believe he’s contracted ‘Biffitis’ a disease named after Biff Tannen, the fictional bully character in the Back to the Future trilogy.
And crowd size….any psychologist will tell you why he’s still jabbering about his crowd size and vote count. (Watch him adjust the census count from 330 million to 10 billion or more so he’ll have more people than anyone on earth.) How dare a woman be more ‘popular’? Glad he has the baddest limo and coolest plane or we’d never hear the end of it. Even his kids have been trying to talk him down.
Most US citizens don’t want a wall. We want your business. We love your foods. We’ve loved you ever since you exported salsa. Fun alternate fact: Sriracha is to ketchup what Mike Pence is to women’s rights. Both leave a burning taste that’s hard to get rid of.
Another fun alternate fact: in the race to be America’s favorite condiment, mayo and ketchup were head to head and salsa snuck in when we weren’t looking. No reference meant to your citizens coming here for work that we don’t want to do.
He has told us that you’ll pay for the wall but we have it on good authority (Your President) that you won’t. Here’s a solution; we’ll work it like a car lease. No money down and no interest or payments until 2020. You’ll have 4 years or 40,000 immigrants, whichever comes first. By then Trump will be in the heat of an election cycle and manufacture another fake distraction.
(I’ve got to get this article out quickly because Steve Bannon, Trump’s counselor has put the press on notice that “You’re the opposition party” and the press “Should keep its mouth shut.”)