It’s OK, the water’s just a ‘little’ radioactive

As if Burmese pythons, coastal flooding and Toxic Algae Bloom aren’t enough….

Over 2 hundred million gallons of radioactive water has flowed into the Florida aquifer.

The leak has reached down to the Floridan aquifer, a principal artesian aquifer. Aquifers are vast, underground systems of porous rocks that hold water and allow that water to move through the holes within the rock throughout the State.

‘The Florida Department of Keeping Citizens Safe’ issued a press release saying “We used to have water with a shelf life, now it’s got a half-life too.”

A representative of the perpetrator, phosphate supplier Mosaic, said there’s no danger from the “slightly radioactive” sinkhole water. “You’ll only get ‘slightly sick’” He laughed, “Don’t worry, that healthy glow could be from the sun.”

Many Southwest Florida residents get nervous when “radioactive” and “drinking water” is used in the same sentence, just as Governor Scott does when the words ‘climate change’ are used in the same sentence as……..well, any sentence.

The Department of Environmental Protection has issued a statement “It’s OK, soon something else will come along, we’ll probably lose track in a couple of days and you’ll be trying to keep abreast of what the Kardashians are doing so…..”

A sinkhole with an added bonus; a 'slight' glow

A sinkhole with an added bonus; a ‘slight’ glow

Rules posted for 1st presidential debate

The Commission on Presidential Debates has announced their rules for the upcoming debate between Clinton and Trump. The Trump camp argued for the rules committee to meet at a Trump managed hotel where they would get a ‘really great’ off season rate for the day if they would only make a sizable donation to the Trump Foundation. The Clinton camp argued for a meeting in her home at Chappaqua because she had ‘plenty of room’ in the basement where the extra servers had been housed.

Halfway through the rules committee meeting an argument broke out about the venue, Hofstra University. Trump thought it was ‘Hoffa’ University and that since he was against organized labor it would give an edge to Clinton. He was calmed down by a phalanx of attorneys.

According to the candidates wishes a coin toss will determine who comes out on stage first. The Trump camp would like to use a coin with trump’s head on one side and his daughter Ivanka’s rear on the other. The Clinton camp (Bill) wants to examine the coin.

Each candidate will be given 2 minutes to answer the moderator’s question which will be chosen by the moderator a week prior to the debate. The Clinton camp insisted that each time Trump goes over the time limit for an answer, he will have to reveal 10 pages of his latest tax return. For their part, the Trump camp argued for an Appellate Court judge to decide if Clinton has answered a question truthfully.

Although the NRA lobbied for 2 months, there will be no guns in the room.

Trump has the right to interrupt Clinton up to 10 times but at least 50% of those must be factually based interruptions. For her part, Clinton may refute the interruptions and seek immediate advice from up to 3 lawyers for the campaign.

Third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein failed to qualify for the debates but will have seats near the stage. During the debate, based on their amount of followers, they’ll each have one opportunity to yell “I wouldn’t do it like that” to the candidates.

Trump protested the first debate’s date because of a conflict with Monday night football as he had pre-ordered the Squab terrine with pistachio and calvados and Aleppo seed-crusted scallop tray with a side of hot wings and Pounty Snout white sturgeon caviar supplement from Daniel on the upper East side and could not get his deposit back and a lawsuit would get him so far down the reservation list that he couldn’t even think about dining at the private inner sanctum known as “The Skybox” so he could glance at the kitchen below and hear his favorite chef roar “Ordering two asperge blanche! Pick-up four langoustines!” Such is life for the nouveau riche.

Clinton’s camp specified that if Matt Lauer’s name is mentioned in any way, they won’t show.

You can turn down the sound and provide your own verbiage

You can turn down the sound and provide your own verbiage

Justin Bieber New Years concert a pricey affair

Question: How can a Justin Bieber super fan enjoy their Fontainebleau New Year’s Eve party?

Cough up $40,000 for a super-premium evening with the ‘Biebs’.

This party is bigger than passing third period calculus. It’s one of the more expensive too. General admission tickets are starting at $500 and shooting all the way up to $40,000 for a stage side private space that can hold up to 30 guests. (Technically speaking kids, it’s called a mosh pit, but it’s at the Fontainebleau and to justify the additional cost, they call it a ‘stage-side lanai with catering.’  The small print on the ticket may include the following. If Bieber decides to crowd surf, it’ll be an additional five thousand per person. If you let him drop, the rest of the audience will set up a ‘go fund me’ page for the law suit he’ll bring. If he ‘loses’ his pants during the ‘surf’ you’ll have to pony up for a psychiatrist to help eliminate the images from your head. If the monkey he left in Germany decides to attend the concert, you’ll have to allow it into your party. It’s in his contract.

What a deal! It breaks out to $1333 per guest. For that price you may even get ‘sweated on’ by the Biebs himself. For $50,000 you’ll be able to shout ‘hello’ to him as he leaves the stage and he’ll actually turn in your direction.

onstage at The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber at Sony Pictures Studios on March 14, 2015 in Los Angeles, California. The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber will air on March 30, 2015 at 10:00 p.m. ET/PT.

onstage at The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber at Sony Pictures Studios on March 14, 2015 in Los Angeles, California. The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber will air on March 30, 2015 at 10:00 p.m. ET/PT.

Earth’s answer to plastic waste? Meal Worms!

One man’s trash is another man’s, or worm’s, treasure. Research from Stanford shows that darkling beetle larvae, (meal worms) can and will gobble a diet of polystyrene (Styrofoam) or plastic waste.

Stanford’s Department of Civil and Environmental Engineering raised a hundred meal worms from birth strictly on styrofoam which the creatures can digest thanks to a type of bacteria in their gut. Each worm ate about a few dozen milligrams every day, converting about half to carbon dioxide and leaving half behind as non-toxic waste. After meals, the scientists fed them fermented fruit cake to cleanse their tiny palates.

Researchers encouraged their new eating habits by slowly substituting Styrofoam bits instead of their normal diet of shit. For a lot of worms, this was a step up. Researchers discovered the worms to be 75% happier with this diet.

However 95% of the meal worms surveyed opted for the ‘pizza’ study in the next lab where they gained an average of 2 pounds a month which, for a meal worm, makes them look like a snake which has consumed a cow.

The worms seem to suffer no ill effects from eating plastic all day as they were unaware  of even a basic food pyramid. They were as healthy as a control group that ate bran. BRAN!!! Think about that when cereal costs rise.

How to introduce the concept to the average person? Amazon Prime will include a packet of meal worms each time they ship something fragile in packing ‘peanuts’.  Don’t throw the box filled with ‘peanuts’ away, just release the meal

Can you find Waldo?

Can you find Waldo?

worms from their plastic bags, and as they gasp for fresh air, throw them into the box, yelling ‘soups on!’ and watch them do their thing.

A statement on political ads

Video screens bring the world up close. That world includes commercials which pay for the content. Thank goodness for ‘truth in advertising’, without it, how would we know all the side effects in those obnoxious ads?

"Vote for me, here's a pint!"

“Vote for me, here’s a pint!”

There are so many side effects the announcers reel them off throughout. They included headaches, nausea, depression, irritability, aggression, anxiety, and pain when swallowing. Of course I’m talking about the political commercials and it’s true, they are hard to swallow.

Lately there have been lots of ‘attack ads’. If TV were around in George Washington’s time what kind of ad would we see? Cue the ‘Jaws’ type theme with a deep voice intoning “Washington; the rich man’s candidate.  He’s campaigning everywhere. Does he want to appear on our money too?”

Spoiler alert: George Washington was the first President of the United States right after the revolution. Spoiler alert: The revolution was when the 13 original colonies separated from England. Spoiler alert: we won! Spoiler alert: England was ruled by a king who imposed taxes on the colonies and we thought that was wrong, so we revolted. Spoiler alert: If we still had courses like ‘civics’ in high school you would know this stuff.

When the commercial appears on screen and you hear background music which reminds you of a horror movie, you know someone is going to get slammed. When you see a grainy black and white image of a candidate and it’s the worst picture you’ve ever seen, you know someone’s getting attacked.

It feels like the Presidential race has been going on since the Eisenhower administration, in other words; longer than a Joe Biden speech.

An American election cycle is like having a multi-year toothache that can’t be cured. To put it in perspective, an elephant; the animal with the longest gestation period, could get pregnant, give birth and the baby could be taught to go into any given political spin doctor’s offices, stomp all the literature to the size of a chad and still have time to register and vote. An elephant who votes? In Florida that would not be odd. We invented strange. Why in Miami-Dade County alone 5 out of every 2 people vote.

It’s a Twilight Zone political marathon on every channel and you can’t shut it off. Lonely? Donate to one campaign and they’ll send you mail for years. You become like family. The only ones political mail helps is the poor post office. I’m Buzz Fleischman and I approve this bullshit!

Get ready to get ready! It’s hurricane season.

Make sure the hurricane tracking planes are gassed up, the weather forecasters have plenty of café Cubano and roll out the snakelike hurricane models.

It’s starting. The TV weathercasters are trying to outdo each other in their annual hurricane ‘scare factor’ forecasting. Do they actually accumulate more viewers if they scare the crap out of us with their dire predictions? Forecasters have plenty of tools to work with such as European tracking models, Canadian models, National Centers for Environmental Prediction (NCEP) models, surface analysis, short range, long range and of course the NOAA. We see the possible hurricane paths snaking their way towards us like a hungry python looking for a poodle. Then there’s the ‘cone’.

It looks we're leaking something into the ocean, but they're going the other way

It looks we’re leaking something into the ocean, but they’re going the other way

Are we in the ‘cone’? We don’t want to be in the ‘cone’. That means we may have to ‘take action’. What does that mean? That means you may have to move the potted plants indoors that have taken root since the last time we were ‘in the cone’. OK, take a breath here. They’ve been firmly rooted since the last time south Florida had a dangerous hurricane in 2005. They’re not moving. Good! Like a typical Floridian we can now concentrate on waiting till the last minute to take action.

When do we rush out for the batteries which will die in our drawer from lack of use? It’s been a long time since we’ve had to organize a hurricane party. Do we need the same snacks as a football game? How much beer will we need dull our senses when the garage roof starts to peel away?

Our friend from the west, El Niño has kept the number of hurricanes on the low side and the ones that seem cringe-worthy are suddenly veering north like a driver who sneaks into the exit lane.

When we finally give in to the urge to purchase water, plywood, batteries and tuna fish we’ll have plenty of company in the stores. That’s right, we’re ‘last minute Louies’. It’s the same reason we arrive for the game after it starts and leave before it’s over. Don’t try to change us, don’t try to reason with us, blame it on ‘The cone’.

When a silent ‘chiller’ strikes are you ready?

NASA has declared July 2016 the hottest month on record; one and a half degrees hotter than the average since the years 1950-1980. To combat the heat, the extensive staff and entire research facility here at the Radio Buzz would like to inform the local public about a silent chiller. Aha! Got your attention now!  Just mention the word ‘chiller’ in the middle of summer around here and you’ve got everyone’s attention.

Spheno Palatine Gangleo-neuralgia can strike with little warning yet there has been no research, no medical funding and worst of all, no telethon.

Not quite a recognized disease studied in medical schools, this malady strikes instantly, although with some warning and leaves almost as mysteriously as it appears. Brief and intense, it hurts and incapacitates, leaving the victim to grimace in pain as they grab and rub their head, throat or neck. This silent chiller will attack young or old cutting across age groups even as it cuts across your brain.

SPG can affect anyone on hot days when they choose to gulp a seemingly innocent Slurpee, Slushee or frappe. Cool relief suddenly turns into pain as Brain Freeze rears its frigid head. You can spot an onset of BF in others by the sudden twisted/pained look on their face.Brain freeze, also known as ice cream headache is not as popular an illness which one can use as an excuse to miss work or school, but if spoken of by its medical name it can help, as in “Hey boss, I had some Spheno Palatine Gangleo-neuralgia,  yesterday and I’m still not right, I’ll be in tomorrow.” They don’t want to admit they don’t know what it is so you’re safe. If you simply say ‘brain freeze’ you can count on getting as close to fired as you can get.

What is ‘brain freeze’?

When something very cold touches the center of the palate, a useless area on the roof of the mouth, it sets off certain nerves that control the blood flow to your head. How did the palate get to utilize such a vital body function such as blood flow to the head?

Pay attention now because your head contains much of the crucial thinking the body uses to function, like when do I eat, sleep and buy things on sale that I can’t afford.

Scientifically speaking, the palate, not strictly an organ, separates the nasal cavity from the oral cavity. In itself, this doesn’t mean much to the average person, but try passing a liquid through your nose as opposed to your mouth and see how it feels. Your palate is like the organic wall which no one has to pay for.

Studies have been done in frat houses across the nation on 3 for 1 Jello shots night as to how rapidly this ‘up-chucking’ can occur. (Also known as ‘hurling’ not to be confused with ‘curling’, a little known Olympic sport you can participate in while drinking liquor.)

Comedians have been utilized to test this theory by telling a very funny joke while the test subject is drinking, say, milk. Some of us have seen this first-hand.

The palate can also send signals of how the body feels and reacts to strange foods like Balut, Surstomming and Paniki. (A quick quiz: which one of these involves a fruit bat?)

Back to the actual ‘freeze’.

This cold rush may be interpreted by the brain as the nerves saying, “Hey, did I just eat an ice floe?”  The brain hears this and constricts the blood vessels in the area like an angry parent cutting off your allowance and you don’t know why. When they dilate with increased flow, it causes pain. Not the children, your blood vessels.

This is the kind of pain you’d like to do something about but can’t, as when someone screeches chalk on a blackboard.

Blood flow is as important to brain function as café Cubano is to staying awake in the afternoon.

One interesting note is that the 30th anniversary of DQ’s Blizzard coincides with the onset of millions of cases of Spheno Palatine Gangleo-neuralgia. Does anyone see a pattern here?

Don't gulp no matter how hot it is

Don’t gulp no matter how hot it is

People take Nexxium as a preventative when they know they’re going to eat something that disagrees with them, but when you get greedy with the Chocolate Heath Bar Crunch Blizzard® the silent chiller strikes.

The bottom line on toilet paper

Is toilet paper a leading economic indicator?

luxury from top to bottom

luxury from top to bottom

Sales of toilet paper, what the industry calls “luxury” rolls climbed to $1.4 billion  outselling all other TP’s for the first time in almost a decade.

These sales have grown more than 70 percent since 2000, and are expected to grow faster than all other categories every year through at least 2018.It isn’t that we’re more ‘full of it’ than before but usage might have been a lot higher if the survey included Washington D.C. If this trend keeps up, we’ll spend more time on our butts than on watching Kim Kardashians.

Indicators are just that. They can give you a sign that something is happening in the marketplace.

Is this increased demand an indication that the economy is coming back? Unless you live in the Ozarks and never had a heated indoor john, the 2, 3 or 4 ply becomes a luxury item when you’ve got a little more discretion in your spending. Who wants to go into a strange bathroom and discover the TP has the consistency of fine grit sandpaper?

“Luxury” bathroom tissue may be quilted or rippled (embossed), perfumed, colored or patterned, chemically treated and infused with aloe. You may even special order some with your bosses name on it. If you really want to have that secure feeling knowing you’re utilizing the best, trade up to Georgia-Pacific’s Quilted Northern Ultra Plush bath tissue which recently earned the honor of “pacesetter” status from a marketing group. How did they reach that conclusion? Don’t ask.

Who makes the best? Charmin bathroom tissue plus a touch of lotion with aloe had the best ratings. The best, that is, until one day in 2009 the ratings went from the top to the bottom. From 5 stars to nada! From aaaaah to ow! Procter &Gamble had apparently downgraded their quality and people started to squawk! They were lodging complaints as if their 5 star hotel had turned into a flop house. We need comfort where it’s needed the most! We don’t need the sandpaper scraper caper!

So what’s a reliable indicator for emergence from a recession? The BTI or bathroom tissue index will tell. Please don’t squeeze the consumer.

Zika mosquitos ask “Is this all we get?”

A PETA lawyer acting for a coalition of Zika mosquitos has filed a lawsuit to expand the so called 1 square mile ‘Zika zone’ in the Wynwood area of Miami. “Why are we limited to just the one square mile” said an adult Zika carrying pest, “ it’s a really short life span and my friends and I would like to see Miami Beach and the Keys before we die. This limited area thing is BS!”

“They’re discriminating against ‘insect Americans’ here and it’s a crime, said the PETA spokesperson, “I’ve seen zombies lurching through the streets late at night and what do they do? They hold ‘zombie nights’ for them at clubs. We should get equal treatment.”

Miami Mayor Tomas Regalado walked the area to show people that it’s safe. He urged support of the businesses in the affected area. He was clad in long sleeves, wore gloves, a hoody and large sunglasses over a masque of white zinc covering the rest of his face. In addition he had a coterie of

“We came from the slums and now have a chance to see America’s fun spots before we expire. We’re just like undocumented aliens except we fly and infect people.”

Let us roam! We want to go to South Beach

Let us roam! We want to go to South Beach

New theme park rides for America’s waistline

With the obesity epidemic growing faster than demand for any new Apple product, America needs to control the problem in its own inimitable way; a quick clever fix.

Fix 1: It could mean altering the clothing size labels in Chinese factories so the ‘L’ for ‘Large’ will be changed to ‘XL’. Those who have bought XL sizes will now buy ‘Large’ which would be sort of an indication that they’ve lost weight. Simple, elegant!

Fix 2: have the Senate Committee on ‘Safe Nutritional and Consumable Know-how’ (SNACK) issue a statement on snacking in America. Funded by PepsiCo and Kraft it will prove beyond a doubt that not only is ‘snacking’ fun and healthy but with every purchase of ‘Nutter Butter’ or ‘Chips Ahoy’ you’ll help the country’s economic expansion while adding to your own. That’s what we call a ‘Nuclear spin’.

The Country’s theme parks also know this and as a result have ‘expanded’ their outreach to ‘oversize Americans’

Among the popular new exhibits;

A healthier lifestyle display shows kids the dangers of fatty foods by asking them a sample question about nutrition and if they get the answer wrong, sliming them with oleo as they enter the exhibit.

The ‘Tunnel of Love’ type ride starts off to the tune of ‘It’s a Small World After All’ and segues into Mary Poppins ‘A Lagoon full of Sugar makes your life span go down’. Your carriage morphs from a broccoli stalk into a Pringle’s chip canoe and floats down a river of chocolate. As you’re asked to rate your favorite junk foods on a scale of 1 to 10 the chip starts to sink and just before it vanishes you jump off into a gingerbread gym and are met by a Richard Simmons look alike, who makes you ‘Sweat to the Oldies’ before you can leave the ride.

The Union of Concerned Snackers (UCS) immediately took umbrage and proclaimed, “How dare Disney mock this great big nation. Snacking at a theme park is an American tradition like cooking with lard”.

Are you sure you want to get on the ride?

Are you sure you want to get on the ride?

Fat Albert joined Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who responded through their lawyer and said, “We were drawn large and that’s the size of it. Sometimes, no matter what you say to the artist, you just can’t slim down no matter what you do.
The world class destination, caught in a whirlwind of controversy responded with a total ban on the sale of snack foods from its theme parks on alternate Thursdays between 6AM and 9AM when the moon is in Scorpio.

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