Transitions

With the promise of not invading any country larger than Estonia, Putin hopes to eliminate United States sanctions which have “forced his citizens to add more water to their beet soup.

It’s not fair” said Putin. “How can we continue to invade countries on our borders while under sanctions from the U.S.? We’re sure Trump will ease the tension and bring us closer together. By ‘closer together’ I mean we’ll continue to suppress, invade and continue cyber-attacks, but only during the week.”

Sarah Palin, who is not aware her 15 minutes of fame is up, is being considered for the Cabinet position of Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs. “I don’t want to be a secretary” she said. “I’ve been a Governor for a while and had a reality TV show so for me that would be a step backwards. I was hoping for something like ‘Chief of Good Tidings’. That works for me; especially around Christmas time.”

Ann Coulter has been appointed by the Donald Trump transition team as ‘Ambassador’ to the Democratic Party. “This will show them” said Reince Priebus, “Just let them try to tell us how to govern. We’ll have the economy back in the crapper in no time” he said, “And we’ll put Michelle Bachmann’s husband in charge of our gay outreach.”

Breitbart News has announced the president elect’s plan regarding his wall. “Look, we don’t need to spend a ton of money on a wall,” Trump said. ‘El Chapo’ has made that moot, whatever that means. We’ll train a regiment of border collies to patrol the area. Have you seen what they can do with a herd of sheep?

The trump transition team announced a cost cutting measure for the wall. As each illegal immigrant leaves, they’ll be required to take a brick with them and leave it on the border.

Trump is serious about the wall. He’s been watching ‘How it’s made’ on the Science Channel.

Add your own caption

Add your own caption

Billy Corben on Joltradio.org Monday Dec. 5th 10AM

Monday Dec.5th at 10AM we’ll have Billy Corben ‘On the Record and Off the Wall’ on joltradio.org
Emmy and Peabody Award-winning filmmaker Billy Corben made his feature documentary directorial debut at the Sundance Film Festival in 2001, making him one of the youngest directors in Sundance history. Following that success, he and his producing partners founded rakontur, a Miami Beach-based content creation company. Their filmography includes the feature documentaries Cocaine Cowboys, Square Grouper: The Godfathers of Ganja, and Dawg Fight and the ESPN’s 30 for 30s The U, The U Part 2, and Broke. Their 2017 slate includes the 6-hour documentary miniseries Cocaine Cowboys: Los Muchachos, a sequel to last year’s hit Netflix documentary Dawg Fight, an all new ESPN 30 for 30 and a documentary series about Florida called A Sunny Place For Shady People. A Florida native and life-long Miamian, Corben was recently awarded the keys to the cities of both Miami and Miami Beach.

Listen in as we reveal a side of Billy that he never gets to talk about. Will it be some heretofore unseen and shocking ‘soft underbelly’  of the Miami scene?  

In the ‘Off the Wall’ segment:

How will ISIS fund itself?  How’s my driving? Call 1-800 CUTUOFF. Trump plan for Obamacare revealed. New ‘Do Not Disturb’ Federal registry.  Invasive species in Florida: a boon to tourism?

http://www.joltradio.org/artist/on-the-record-and-off-the-wall-with-buzz-fleischman/

Billy Corben

Billy Corben

Thanks for listening (And looking) on Facebook live during the show….

Watch on Facebook live from the joltradio website

Black Friday Cyber Monday and I’m Broke Tuesday

Holidays! We love ‘em. This is the time when we thank our lucky stars that the boss will drink more than anyone else at the holiday party.

Hey, my credit card is smoking!

Hey, my credit card is smoking!

It’s ‘next year’ already and time to start paying for the gifts you bought one year ago. You’re almost finished paying for the mattress you bought 2 years ago and since no one took your guns away, the 21 gun safe and portable power grid is almost paid for from 2008. Haven’t you learned your lesson?

On black Friday you waited in a ‘shopping scrum’ outside the Big Box Outlet to get the best deal on an all in one popcorn maker/coffee bean grinder with a built in flat screen. Your kids don’t have clothes but they do have newest video games. All you got were scraped knees and a rain check for an LED mood light.

Well black Friday is over and ‘cyber Monday’ is shaping up to be the biggest shopping day in the history of the world. Don’t even think of doing any work at work. There are amazing deals on electronics, clothes and food. Did you realize you can get young early harvest GMO free organic Brussel sprouts for less than you’d pay for a combination battery operated aromatherapy machine and George Foreman Quesadilla Maker?

In news of the greatest gifts since the grill alert talking meat thermometer,that 3 wheeled portable electric scooter will make you the envy of all the girls at the poolside Mahjong game and don’t worry, there’s no interest for three years unless you count that new bachelor who stuffs his bathing trunks to get attention.

That credit card can light up a cigarette now because it’s ‘Thank God it’s over Wednesday.’

Welcome to the holidaze

The increase in portion size is directly linked to an increase in obesity in the U.S. Duh!

The ‘Calorie Control Council’, an international association representing the low- and reduced-calorie food and beverage industry (A real council) reports that the average American will consume more than 4,500 calories and enough fat to make three sticks of butter on Thanksgiving Day. When they discovered this fact they ran outside and threw up. When they came to their senses, they then realized that if those Americans could sell the three sticks of butter they would make enough money to buy more food for thanksgiving.

The ‘Eat All You Want and Screw Those Other Guys Council’ (EAYWSTOGC) (Not a real council) vehemently opposed any limitations on an American’s right to veg out and get fat during the holiday season. They rolled out a menu that will enable the American eater to stay ahead of the obesity curve. “We’re all going to get there someday, so WTF” said a representative of the council in between bites of a large slice of pumpkin pie smothered in lard, “Hey, it’s the holidays” he said wiping his chin, “I’ll join a gym in January.”

On the other side of the plate…..

PETA, in association with the FAFC (Farmers against Food Cruelty) have released a Thanksgiving dinner sure to please even the most hardcore food zealot. It’s comprised of green things you would not touch even if you had too much to drink. “Tofurky is not the answer” they said, (See previous story) “Eating tofu is just as bad as killing an innocent turkey animal” said the press release. “Tofu, also known as bean curd, is a food made by coagulating soy milk and then pressing it into soft white blocks so it looks edible.

The curd is ripped from the bean and stuffed into boxes by workers who will have to leave the country soon. They don’t care how they manhandle those innocent beans or its curd. Beans have feelings too. Let’s not forget all the potatoes who have died to produce your mashed potato dish. Potatoes have eyes, you have eyes, HellOOOOOoooo.

The typical holiday meal is full of components that deceive. Don’t let anyone tell you that ‘stuffing’ is just bread. Have you read the label of ingredients? Can you pronounce them? Probably not, because you’re too busy eating.

Black Friday was conceived by marketers as a day to get you out of the house and exercise your God given right to get into debt by purchasing more things and moving just enough to build an appetite. Welcome to the holidays.

[ File # csp5751103, License # 1467423 ] Licensed through http://www.canstockphoto.com in accordance with the End User License Agreement (http://www.canstockphoto.com/legal.php) (c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / pixelbrat

Help! I’ve eaten and I can’t get up!

Tofu is definitely not turkey; get over it

If the Indians who helped the Pilgrims get through the winter, were vegans, we’d be eating tofurky (Faux turkey) on Thanksgiving. Luckily, this was not the case. (Just because you can shape it like a real turkey, oh never mind)

I’m not slamming tofu but don’t you owe it to yourself to stow the gluten free low sugar farm raised grass fed and cage free regimen for that one day when America gets together and shovels in more food than they eat in Canada all year?

Is it true that the Food and Drug Administration meets to re-adjust the obesity statistics on the day after Thanksgiving? No, but it feels that way doesn’t it? Did the English colonists seeking freedom cross an ocean in a small boat with no concierge service just to get away from British food? I wonder if it were the Chinese who inhabited America instead of the Indians, we’d enjoy a feast and then be hungry an hour later? Indians introduced the settlers to turkey but what if they couldn’t catch them (The turkeys, not the settlers) and they offered rabbit instead? Stovetop Stuffing would go out of business.

These are questions that need answers, but first would you pass just a sliver of each of the 7 pies everyone brought that we’ve all been ogling throughout the meal. Oh, and by the way, would you also pass some of that fat free Reddi-Wip®? (5 calories per serving and absolutely no food value at all but who cares) If you can completely cover that pie with Reddi-Wip® you’ll not only be the envy of everyone one who can’t push themselves away from the table, but you can induct yourself into the ‘Help, I’ve eaten and I can’t Get Up’ hall of fame.

Thanksgiving is a great American tradition and it means so much to us. The tradition is to overeat, swear off food in the foreseeable future and fall asleep in your chair while watching the Detroit Lions. It’s the day tryptophan replaces melatonin as your sleep aid of choice. Some of us choose ‘liberally sauced’ egg nog, but you’ve got to drink a lot of it.

It’s the holiday that keeps on giving; especially our pants. Sansa-belt slacks (Without belts) are the pant of choice in my home during the holidays. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Sitting down at the table in a bathrobe would be a lot easier, but the family picture would look like we’re all getting ready for bed. If we walk away from a Thanksgiving dinner and could still find room we haven’t fulfilled our mission.

We seat 12 people at a table meant for 8 and then urge them to eat so much they can’t get up and move around the chairs and out of the room. Immediately after Thanksgiving dinner we’re like a pack of zombies with glazed eyes roaming the halls.

"I just can't eat another bite........oh, all right"

“I just can’t eat another bite……..oh, all right”

The Indians never had these problems. They grew what they needed and ate until full. There were no gyms in those days so people would simply live life.

 

‘Take’ America Once Again

In an effort to thwart the government’s class-action lawsuit against President-elect Donald Trump and his now-defunct Trump University, Trump’s attorneys filed a motion to delay until after the presidential inauguration. They also asked for a motion from the court to downgrade the charges since they said, the courses were on a public high school level and not an accredited university.

Josh Dewey, lead lawyer, said “Look, we misspoke; the courses weren’t really up to university standards, they were geared to the Trump follower who didn’t ask too many tough questions.”

Trump’s lawyers further contended that Trump University not so much failed on its promise to teach success in real estate but taught a valuable life lesson to students who paid ridiculous amounts to learn practically nothing about course subjects they signed up for. “These are lessons they need to know when dealing with people like the Donald. We sincerely hope they learned something from the experience. Experience is a great teacher.”

They argued that U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel would not be acceptable because he had graduated from a ‘real university’ and therefore more than understood the ersatz educational implications of ‘Trump U’. “He would be prejudiced against us because of his exceptional educational and legal background”.

“You may as well just graduate from a public high school” said Curiel, “At least there you would cultivate some ‘Facebook friends’ who would help occupy your ‘down time’ when you’re looking for a job.”
“When this is all over” said trump’s lawyers, “”we’ll revamp our curricula and offer basic courses like English for illegal immigrants and science for climate deniers.”

Read the fine print

Read the fine print

Drink wine lose weight have fun

There are studies and there are studies. If you are one of those people who enjoy a glass of wine before going to bed, here’s the best news. According to a new study, a little wine before bed can actually help with weight loss. Let’s repeat that in terms the average drinker can understand. WHOOPEE!!!

According to scientists from Washington State University and Harvard, wine has a chemical called resveratrol which works in the body as a means to stopping fat cells gaining more fat. Here’s how it works. As a result of drinking wine, the fat cells become complacent and ‘take a break’ from accumulating fat (Which is their job) just as you ‘take a break’ after a couple of glasses. In fact, drinking at least two glasses a day can help beat obesity by 70%. Either that or the researchers who drank the wine were just a little blurry on the numbers. So basically you’re not only allowed but supposed to drink half a bottle of wine every night, for weight loss purposes. (We’re rounding up here) If you conduct your own study, you’ll find that after a couple of weeks you won’t care. Of course it all depends on how much wine you pour into that glass.

The reason you need to do this in the evening is because the calories help keep you full and reduce the urge to binge on late night snacks unless it’s a wine and cheese party at which point they tend to cancel each other out.

Another study by Harvard University looked at 20,000 women over the course of 13 years and found that those women who drank two glasses of wine daily were 70 percent more likely to go to bed with them. This was the study of preference for Harvard men.

Snopes.com says the information is ‘mostly false’ so who are you going to believe, horny university men or an internet website. Have a drink and ponder it.

Might as well drink some of the best

Might as well drink some of the best

Election season ends, Figgy pudding on the horizen

What is longer than an elephant’s pregnancy and just as painful? It’s an American election cycle and it feels like a mental ‘wedgie’ on steroids.

When we say the words ‘election season’ do we get that burning feeling in the pit of our stomach as if it were a side effect from some drug we don’t need? It’s not really a season, because ‘season’ denotes a happy joyful time of the year that includes a holiday we celebrate. With Congressional approval ratings lower than the interest on your savings account, we don’t celebrate our politicians.

Let’s be thankful that the political ads are coming to an end and grateful for a little breather before we start getting bombarded with Christmas ads. Holiday ads motivate us to push back from the table and go shopping as it gets us out of the house and into more debt. Running up more debt is as American as apple pie and paying for that pie with no interest until 2018.

Running up debt could be the most exercise people get. Since the invention of the clapper, most of it comes from jumping up when we win 2 dollars on a scratch-off.

If the upcoming holiday ‘Feast-A-Rama’ causes you to think about getting into an exercise regimen, do it in the first 2 weeks of January like everyone else. And like everyone else, in late January you’ll stop and go back to the eating habits that caused you to think about exercising in the first place.

Speaking of food, we’ve got Thanksgiving to look forward to. It’s all about the food, the tradition, the food, the shopping, the food and the leftovers.

I think the pilgrims started this whole thing by coming here because either the shopping mall had not yet come to England or they were sick of ‘figgy pudding’.

Choose any three. It's thanksgiving!

Choose any three. It’s thanksgiving!

The real history of halloween

 

Question: What do National Chocolate Day, National Candy Corn Day and National Caramel Apple Day have in common? That’s right; they all occur during ‘National Blood Sugar Awareness Week’ or as some call it, Halloween.

choose wisely

choose wisely

Halloween is the time we get to don a costume and pretend to be a character from the movies, history or Broadway. Sometimes we want to be a clown. Dating back to the middle ages, (The years before Facebook) court jesters were brought before the King to take his mind off the fact that flush toilets were yet to be invented. Up to this point most clowns were seen to be funny buffoons. If they weren’t, the job didn’t last too long with the jester being thrown into the moat or worse, be forced to watch reruns of ‘Jersey Shore’.  It was a tough job. There were no balloons.

Since that time some clowns have found work trying to make antsy children at birthday parties sit in one place for an extended period of time while the parents have a drink or two. This is difficult work and takes someone with patience, tolerance and a need to perform the chicken dance multiple times a week.

The latest fad is the so called ‘evil clown sighting’.

Maybe this came about as a way to focus people’s attention away from an onerous political season or to coincide with the letdown after summer vacation and the beginning of holiday shopping.

There have been hundreds of clown sightings throughout the United States which have all been debunked, or resulted in many arrests from false reporting by people on a ‘sugar high’. By the end of September, the New York Times was calling the clown hoaxes “a contagion” to equal being forced to watch a televised candidate’s debate.

Scary clowns are not coming for your children, but kids, if you don’t clean your room, do your homework and occasionally watch your little brother or sister, I’m not promising they won’t.

Let’s forget about the scary clowns that aren’t there and concentrate on candy which is the real reason for Halloween. It’s the best marketing ploy since The Kardashians got you hooked on the fact that if you ‘Kept up’ with them, you could be like them. Don’t be fooled. No one wants to be that vapid!

Gone are the days when apples and other fruit would do. We’re way beyond that now. They don’t display fruit in the Halloween section at Walgreens. That’s one reason yellow fingers from Cheez doodles® are a ‘badge of courage’ in middle school.

The top branded retailer of candy corn, Brach’s, sells enough candy corn each year that if the kernels were laid end to end it could circle the earth 4.25 times or pave a road to your dentist’s office.

This candy taunts us with caloric excess and yes, carnauba wax which is used as a surface finishing agent in baked foods, mixes, chewing gum, and auto, floor and shoe polishes. It’s what gives the shine to candy corn, gummy bears and big red wax lips.

We used to buy wax lips to fool people into thinking we had big red lips. Big lips are in fashion but they don’t come in a box at the candy counter, they’re much more expensive and they call it a silicone treatment which is just the right accent for that old Mick Jagger costume.

Follow the logic?

Donald trump is now going after what he claims is an egregious act by the then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “She spurned a plea from a head of State for assistance and we cannot let it pass without a Congressional investigation.”

He went on, “I heard it from so many people, that a Prince Waseem Attah of Nigeria, who I’m sure is a fantastic person and I have great respect for him, had asked her personally to arrange a ‘transfer of funds’ to I’m sure was the Clinton Foundation but it could have been her personal bank account, which would prove that it’s a rigged system, totally a rigged system.

Now these funds which I’m sure would be untraceable because you know Hillary, and Wiki leaks will back me up because I have great respect for Jim Wiki, whatever his name is, I have people, people who know him say, and I’ve heard from so many people that he, this prince, Hey, a Prince! Called her ‘dependable and trustworthy’ and he’s a Prince. Why did he do that?

Listen when I tell you that I’ve known many princes and when you get to that level, well, people will stand up for you and believe you. He wanted to transfer his funds, and believe me when I tell you that it was deleted from the server in seconds because you know, there’s another cover up going on over there in her basement and the media, you know, the dishonest media, they’re all with her and I’m telling you, they’re against what we’re doing here, people have said this. It was a very shady deal, and I know deals, look, I’m a dealmaker. I make deals, great deals and when you make a deal with me you know who you’re dealing with and all he wanted was her fax number and telephone number. That’s not a deal folks. I would have made a deal that would make his head spin. Do I need to go on?”

Trump in a familiar looming pose

Trump in a familiar looming pose

Powered by WordPress