When a silent ‘chiller’ strikes are you ready?

NASA has declared July 2016 the hottest month on record; one and a half degrees hotter than the average since the years 1950-1980. To combat the heat, the extensive staff and entire research facility here at the Radio Buzz would like to inform the local public about a silent chiller. Aha! Got your attention now!  Just mention the word ‘chiller’ in the middle of summer around here and you’ve got everyone’s attention.

Spheno Palatine Gangleo-neuralgia can strike with little warning yet there has been no research, no medical funding and worst of all, no telethon.

Not quite a recognized disease studied in medical schools, this malady strikes instantly, although with some warning and leaves almost as mysteriously as it appears. Brief and intense, it hurts and incapacitates, leaving the victim to grimace in pain as they grab and rub their head, throat or neck. This silent chiller will attack young or old cutting across age groups even as it cuts across your brain.

SPG can affect anyone on hot days when they choose to gulp a seemingly innocent Slurpee, Slushee or frappe. Cool relief suddenly turns into pain as Brain Freeze rears its frigid head. You can spot an onset of BF in others by the sudden twisted/pained look on their face.Brain freeze, also known as ice cream headache is not as popular an illness which one can use as an excuse to miss work or school, but if spoken of by its medical name it can help, as in “Hey boss, I had some Spheno Palatine Gangleo-neuralgia,  yesterday and I’m still not right, I’ll be in tomorrow.” They don’t want to admit they don’t know what it is so you’re safe. If you simply say ‘brain freeze’ you can count on getting as close to fired as you can get.

What is ‘brain freeze’?

When something very cold touches the center of the palate, a useless area on the roof of the mouth, it sets off certain nerves that control the blood flow to your head. How did the palate get to utilize such a vital body function such as blood flow to the head?

Pay attention now because your head contains much of the crucial thinking the body uses to function, like when do I eat, sleep and buy things on sale that I can’t afford.

Scientifically speaking, the palate, not strictly an organ, separates the nasal cavity from the oral cavity. In itself, this doesn’t mean much to the average person, but try passing a liquid through your nose as opposed to your mouth and see how it feels. Your palate is like the organic wall which no one has to pay for.

Studies have been done in frat houses across the nation on 3 for 1 Jello shots night as to how rapidly this ‘up-chucking’ can occur. (Also known as ‘hurling’ not to be confused with ‘curling’, a little known Olympic sport you can participate in while drinking liquor.)

Comedians have been utilized to test this theory by telling a very funny joke while the test subject is drinking, say, milk. Some of us have seen this first-hand.

The palate can also send signals of how the body feels and reacts to strange foods like Balut, Surstomming and Paniki. (A quick quiz: which one of these involves a fruit bat?)

Back to the actual ‘freeze’.

This cold rush may be interpreted by the brain as the nerves saying, “Hey, did I just eat an ice floe?”  The brain hears this and constricts the blood vessels in the area like an angry parent cutting off your allowance and you don’t know why. When they dilate with increased flow, it causes pain. Not the children, your blood vessels.

This is the kind of pain you’d like to do something about but can’t, as when someone screeches chalk on a blackboard.

Blood flow is as important to brain function as café Cubano is to staying awake in the afternoon.

One interesting note is that the 30th anniversary of DQ’s Blizzard coincides with the onset of millions of cases of Spheno Palatine Gangleo-neuralgia. Does anyone see a pattern here?

Don't gulp no matter how hot it is

Don’t gulp no matter how hot it is

People take Nexxium as a preventative when they know they’re going to eat something that disagrees with them, but when you get greedy with the Chocolate Heath Bar Crunch Blizzard® the silent chiller strikes.

The bottom line on toilet paper

Is toilet paper a leading economic indicator?

luxury from top to bottom

luxury from top to bottom

Sales of toilet paper, what the industry calls “luxury” rolls climbed to $1.4 billion  outselling all other TP’s for the first time in almost a decade.

These sales have grown more than 70 percent since 2000, and are expected to grow faster than all other categories every year through at least 2018.It isn’t that we’re more ‘full of it’ than before but usage might have been a lot higher if the survey included Washington D.C. If this trend keeps up, we’ll spend more time on our butts than on watching Kim Kardashians.

Indicators are just that. They can give you a sign that something is happening in the marketplace.

Is this increased demand an indication that the economy is coming back? Unless you live in the Ozarks and never had a heated indoor john, the 2, 3 or 4 ply becomes a luxury item when you’ve got a little more discretion in your spending. Who wants to go into a strange bathroom and discover the TP has the consistency of fine grit sandpaper?

“Luxury” bathroom tissue may be quilted or rippled (embossed), perfumed, colored or patterned, chemically treated and infused with aloe. You may even special order some with your bosses name on it. If you really want to have that secure feeling knowing you’re utilizing the best, trade up to Georgia-Pacific’s Quilted Northern Ultra Plush bath tissue which recently earned the honor of “pacesetter” status from a marketing group. How did they reach that conclusion? Don’t ask.

Who makes the best? Charmin bathroom tissue plus a touch of lotion with aloe had the best ratings. The best, that is, until one day in 2009 the ratings went from the top to the bottom. From 5 stars to nada! From aaaaah to ow! Procter &Gamble had apparently downgraded their quality and people started to squawk! They were lodging complaints as if their 5 star hotel had turned into a flop house. We need comfort where it’s needed the most! We don’t need the sandpaper scraper caper!

So what’s a reliable indicator for emergence from a recession? The BTI or bathroom tissue index will tell. Please don’t squeeze the consumer.

Zika mosquitos ask “Is this all we get?”

A PETA lawyer acting for a coalition of Zika mosquitos has filed a lawsuit to expand the so called 1 square mile ‘Zika zone’ in the Wynwood area of Miami. “Why are we limited to just the one square mile” said an adult Zika carrying pest, “ it’s a really short life span and my friends and I would like to see Miami Beach and the Keys before we die. This limited area thing is BS!”

“They’re discriminating against ‘insect Americans’ here and it’s a crime, said the PETA spokesperson, “I’ve seen zombies lurching through the streets late at night and what do they do? They hold ‘zombie nights’ for them at clubs. We should get equal treatment.”

Miami Mayor Tomas Regalado walked the area to show people that it’s safe. He urged support of the businesses in the affected area. He was clad in long sleeves, wore gloves, a hoody and large sunglasses over a masque of white zinc covering the rest of his face. In addition he had a coterie of

“We came from the slums and now have a chance to see America’s fun spots before we expire. We’re just like undocumented aliens except we fly and infect people.”

Let us roam! We want to go to South Beach

Let us roam! We want to go to South Beach

New theme park rides for America’s waistline

With the obesity epidemic growing faster than demand for any new Apple product, America needs to control the problem in its own inimitable way; a quick clever fix.

Fix 1: It could mean altering the clothing size labels in Chinese factories so the ‘L’ for ‘Large’ will be changed to ‘XL’. Those who have bought XL sizes will now buy ‘Large’ which would be sort of an indication that they’ve lost weight. Simple, elegant!

Fix 2: have the Senate Committee on ‘Safe Nutritional and Consumable Know-how’ (SNACK) issue a statement on snacking in America. Funded by PepsiCo and Kraft it will prove beyond a doubt that not only is ‘snacking’ fun and healthy but with every purchase of ‘Nutter Butter’ or ‘Chips Ahoy’ you’ll help the country’s economic expansion while adding to your own. That’s what we call a ‘Nuclear spin’.

The Country’s theme parks also know this and as a result have ‘expanded’ their outreach to ‘oversize Americans’

Among the popular new exhibits;

A healthier lifestyle display shows kids the dangers of fatty foods by asking them a sample question about nutrition and if they get the answer wrong, sliming them with oleo as they enter the exhibit.

The ‘Tunnel of Love’ type ride starts off to the tune of ‘It’s a Small World After All’ and segues into Mary Poppins ‘A Lagoon full of Sugar makes your life span go down’. Your carriage morphs from a broccoli stalk into a Pringle’s chip canoe and floats down a river of chocolate. As you’re asked to rate your favorite junk foods on a scale of 1 to 10 the chip starts to sink and just before it vanishes you jump off into a gingerbread gym and are met by a Richard Simmons look alike, who makes you ‘Sweat to the Oldies’ before you can leave the ride.

The Union of Concerned Snackers (UCS) immediately took umbrage and proclaimed, “How dare Disney mock this great big nation. Snacking at a theme park is an American tradition like cooking with lard”.

Are you sure you want to get on the ride?

Are you sure you want to get on the ride?

Fat Albert joined Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who responded through their lawyer and said, “We were drawn large and that’s the size of it. Sometimes, no matter what you say to the artist, you just can’t slim down no matter what you do.
The world class destination, caught in a whirlwind of controversy responded with a total ban on the sale of snack foods from its theme parks on alternate Thursdays between 6AM and 9AM when the moon is in Scorpio.

Here, have a drink!

Florida’s water quality standards have not been upgraded in 24 years. Lately, there has been a lot of negative press about bacteria laden toxic algae blooms. These toxic blooms are making Floridians sick, closing beaches and damaging the economy. In spite of those conditions, regulators would like to allow more toxic chemicals to flow into the ground water.

The Governor’s office issued a terse statement, “If anyone sees any three eyed fish, let us know. LOL” He may have issued an order to all State employees about not mentioning the words ‘toxic algae blooms.’

“We ate dirt as children and it didn’t hurt us” said regulator Billy Hurtagh. “I haven’t seen evidence of anything we’re doing that would harm our beloved citizens.” Hurtagh, blind since childhood, spoke from the steps of the capitol in Tallahassee.

When reached at the office of environmental protection a spokesperson said, “Look, you have a better chance of getting run down, shot or a bad sunburn on line at Disney as opposed to dying from the drinking water. I like those odds.”

90% of residents rely on the ground water resources for their drinking water.

State regulators want to increase the number of regulated chemicals in the allowed limits from 54 to 92. “It’s just a number” said an un-named source at Governor Scott’s Department of Environmental Protection, “And ‘toxic’ is just a word.”

algae bloom in Florida's ground water

algae bloom in Florida’s ground water

Zika; we’re doing the best we can

The Zika bearing mosquitos have done what horrendous traffic, toxic chemicals in our drinking water and being named the worst city in the nation could not do. It has prompted the Florida Governor to take action and declare an emergency. Zika bearing mosquitos have taken up residence in the Wynwood area of Miami. We have gotten hold of a copy of the tentative plans for combatting the disease.

“We haven’t come up with a complete plan but we have started printing tiny signs to be posted in areas suspected of harboring the mosquitos” said mosquito control expert Bob Zater. “We know mosquitos can’t read but the signs will have little pictures of them with a slash through the middle telling them they are not wanted here. Until we can get the legislature to fund a solution, it will have to do.” The governor is also sending out teams of ‘swatters’.

Women who have visited the Wynwood neighborhood in Miami since June 15 should not only avoid getting pregnant for at least eight weeks but they should abstain from kissing or even holding hands according to the CDC. “We’re taking no chances”

“Even if you’re thinking of becoming pregnant, take a cold shower, watch some episodes of ‘Born in the Wild’ and follow Nadya Suleman, the ‘Octomom’ on Twitter.

Just swat 'em

Just swat ’em

Marketing America great again

If you took a little time out from seeking Pokemon, you may have noticed a new form of marketing which has ’Trumped’ all others. After her speech at the RNC, Ivanka Trump Tweeted a link to her online shop at Macy’s and the dress that she wore, or one that looked like it, sold out the next day. Her father has not delved into a similar marketing ploy because making America great again does not mean producing a clothing line in a different country and selling it here.

We expected the Trump speech to be a ‘barn burner’ but it turned out to be the conversation you had as you stood around and complained after the barn burned down. At 75 minutes it was the longest on record, but when you discount that 33% of it was applause, the dead air time between Trump pronouncing the letters L G B T and Q and the 2% in policy statements, it kind of broke up all the fear mongering.

“On January 20th safety will be restored.” He said as he laid out a plan to deport everyone who “doesn’t look like you and me.” He plans to send the losers of the Apprentice out to cities around the country to remind blacks, Latinos and Muslims of their place in the new society he’ll champion.

Crews at the Quicken Loans Arena spent a couple of days sanitizing the spittle laden chairs and floor. “Those people seemed to froth at the mouth with every word he uttered. It was everywhere” said Humphrey Gladstone, head of clean up.

Basically the RNC was a fear filled Phantasmagoria in which (According to Slate senior editor and Republican Rachael Larimore) Donald J. Trump, a vulgar and reprehensible man who has vowed to build walls and ban Muslims, who has endorsed torture against terrorists and violence against his detractors, who said he could stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose voters.

If it wasn’t so real it could have been a top rated reality show. At least you could have switched channels.

HelllllOOOOOoooo!!!

HelllllOOOOOoooo!!!

How fast is fast?

What’s a ‘petaflop?’ Answer at the end of story

Can you keep up with this computer?

Can you keep up with this computer?

It has been light years from the day Thomas Edison said into his new invention, the tele-phone, “Watson, come here, I want you”. Those words morphed into ‘Can you hear me now? to ‘Can you produce a video on your phone, release it on Youtube and get a 100,000 hits before lunch now?

Soooo…..are you over-communicated now?

With thousands of ‘apps’ covering every aspect of life, anyone may now reach everyone anytime with anything. Of course, if you’re a person who uses your cell phone to make and receive calls you are in the extreme minority.

You can now score a symphony, ‘find’ Pokemon, pit your skills against thousands of others in real time and when someone starts to ‘poke’ ‘tweet’ text or ‘Twitter’ you, based on today’s proclivity for speed in social media, if you don’t get back to them rightnow, you’re yesterday’s app.

‘Quite frankly, I’m over communicated!’

Some folks think that progress is when you can text your neighbor and bounce that signal off of a $100 million dollar geo-synchronous satellite sending that call into space and back as opposed to opening the window and calling their name.

The world is moving too fast.

China has built a processor capable of 93 petaflops or a million billion (one quadrillion!!!) floating point operations per second of sustained performance. That may mean your next smart phone is going to be so smart, so fast and so advanced that even an 11 year old can’t manage the process. That’s scary.

Can you keep up with me now?

Summer travel season is here! Get ready to stay home

Summer travel season is on us quicker than a skeeter at sunset.

Look like fun? At least you have a seat.

Look like fun? At least you have a seat.

What’s the only ‘downer’ when you go on vacation? Is it packing to go or paying the bills after you’re home? Is it finding out that your pet was on Ebay and ordered dog toys from Neiman Barkus?

If you answered ‘flying there’ you are among the many air travelers who fly coach, or as the airlines call you, ‘The untouchables’. You’re cooped up in a small space with strangers, no food and you don’t really know when you’ll get out, sort of like being kidnapped, except you pay.

Service? You’re asked to re-fold those threadbare blankets you share with the other prisoners and wonder if they were ever cleaned. You pay to be ferried about like a piece of chattel not sure you or your luggage will get to your destination on time or at all. When Orville Wright took a passenger to Philadelphia and their luggage to Omaha, he set the standard. Air travel is mile for mile, a much safer way to travel than by car; but a car is already on the ground.

There was a time when men flew, they wore jackets and ties. It was as if everyone flew first class. Now people can fly wearing the same amount of material as a tie. We don’t have to remove our ties because there was never a ‘tie bomber’. We remove our shoes because someone had something dangerous in their shoe. I’m glad he didn’t hide it in his underwear.

If you’ve got the miles you can count yourself among those who get a seat big enough to fidget in and guess what; real food. What they offer in coach never even qualified for the food pyramid.

With enough miles, you’re first on first off. The announcement goes like this: “We’ll pre-board our first class passengers, so will our gold, platinum, executive platinum, extreme executive elite platinum, uranium, and all other privileged classes please, when you’re ready, board your aircraft. The rest of you, form a scrum behind that line and when I say go, make a mad dash for whatever seats are left and don’t even think about using the first class toilet, just hold it in till Pittsburgh.”

Once on board you’re fully screened, scanned, scoped and do not have to fear for your safety. You can fear for your safety on the ground right here in Florida.

For that fun summertime family treat, next time you can afford to enter Disneyworld be assured you’re fairly safe in the magic kingdom. Disney, at first, refused to abide by the laws of the State of Florida which said you may carry a gun to work in your locked vehicle. They maintained that they were not under the jurisdiction of those laws. Now, they say, they’ll allow employees to pack heat, but only if they’ve satisfied all requirements of their parole. So remember, no short jokes when you have breakfast with the seven dwarfs and Grumpy has no sense of humor. If your child goes up to Goofy, kicks him in what look like shins, and he excuses himself for a moment to go out to his car, quickly head for the monorail and hope you can get a seat.

Miami rude? Get off our lawn!

Financial news and opinion website 24/7 Wall St. says Miami is the worst city in America in which to live. Worse than Detroit or Paterson, N.J. Bam! So we have traffic, some pythons and a little ‘sea rise’ on Miami Beach. So what!

Hey America, are you jealous of our sunshine and party-going culture? What is there about beaches and rich, beautiful bodies that makes you slam us that way? Don’t we acknowledge you with a quick glance in the elevator on our way to the spa?

Lately we’ve been called many nasty things, but worse than Detroit? That’s a new low. Forty-eight hours after processing that tidbit we enjoyed another drink and rejected the criticism. We then woke up from an all-nighter of dancing and prancing on South Beach to find Travel and Leisure Magazine, our go-to tome in the waiting room of our favorite plastic surgeon for our annual butt lift assessment to find it released its annual poll of regular travelers.

Miami came in at No. 1 on the list of “15 rudest cities in America”.

Rude? What is there about muscling to the head of a line, any line, just because we’re good looking? We wrote the book on ‘line jumping’. We cut our teeth as ‘lane jumpers’ into the HOV lane on I-95. Just wait there in line at the restaurant or club. It’s a good vantage point as you look at us. Wasn’t one of the reasons you came here for a quick getaway was to look at us?

Anyway, if you’re too busy reading surveys, you may not have read about Brexit, Britain’s exit from the European Union. What’s a ‘brexit’? Where’s Britain? What’s a union? Doesn’t matter! Keep dissing us and we’ll start thinking about ‘Flexit’ and I’m not talking muscles here, although part of our charm is beautiful well sculpted, if vacuous, people. If you keep spurning us, Flexit could be the South Florida exit from the rest of the country. You can keep Disney-World and the other ‘family’ destinations. We’ve got better lines to jump.

Yes, these girls are just average here!

Yes, these girls are just average here!

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