The UN fights obesity with bugs

May 15th, 2013

Want to help fight obesity? The UN Food and Agriculture Organization has a great idea for you to chew on.

Eating more insects would not only fight world hunger but have an added benefit of helping to steer teenagers away from Doritos and Mountain Dew if they could get beyond the vomiting from chewing dung beetles.

The report by the UN Food and Agriculture Organization says that eating insects could help boost nutrition. It admits a Snickers candy bar will do the same thing but will melt in your pocket while a grasshopper would not.

It will also reduce pollution since most insects are not sold in cans or plastic packaging so there’s no throwaway waste.

Their report says wasps, beetles and other insects are currently “under-utilized” as food except by contestants on the reality show ‘Fear factor.’

It credits the show for ‘breaking new ground’ to allay people’s fear of chewing on things they would normally call an exterminator for.

In a blind test nine out of 10 people preferred meatballs made from roughly half meat and half mealworms to those made from meat. They were immediately chosen to appear on the new reality show, ‘I don’t care what I put in my mouth.’

The UN was quick to say that “consumer disgust” remains a large barrier and that people should get past the question ‘do I step on it, or eat it?

The report notes that an economic boost to small entrepreneurs would be family run ‘insect farming’ which serves the niche market. That market has been described as not being one that is open 7 to 11.

The UN states that operating such a family insect farm could be as easy as not cleaning your kitchen and rounding up the cockroaches when you’re hungry. A simple frying pan smeared with leftover cricket and beetle from dinner will serve as a tasty breakfast casserole if covered quickly before the insects realize you’ve ‘turned up the heat’ under them.

It notes than over 2 billion people worldwide already supplement their diet with insects and that the other 5 billion will not sit down to dinner with them.

Would you rather consume a winged termite or have them consume your house? It’s up to you.

It's cicada season at the local diner! Almost anything on rice looks good.

It’s cicada season at the local diner! Almost anything on rice looks good.


Someone call Bizarre Foods host Andrew Zimmern and tell him supper’s ready!

Reality show rockets to Mars, won’t come back

May 10th, 2013

Honey Boo Boo your 15 minutes of ‘fame’ are over!

In the ‘final frontier’ category, here comes the next ‘small step for man and giant leap for reality television’. ‘Dancing among the stars’ might be a good title.

Mars One, a ‘not-for-profit’ will produce a reality TV show of the establishment of a human settlement on the red planet!

Did they just rip off an episode of ‘Swamp People’ and set it in space?

The cost estimate will be about 6 billion dollars, so they’ll have to sell a spitload of T-shirts and coffee mugs. Mars One merchandise items.

The organizers say “Mars is no picnic. Living there is comparable to getting by on Antarctica” except for the lack of air.

They want to involve the whole world as the audience for the televised broadcast of the mission, from the astronaut selections to the arrival on Mars and their lives on the Red Planet. Whoa! This could be a mash-up of ‘Amazing Race’ colliding with ‘Survivor’ and ‘Fear factor’.

From the Mars One website: ‘An exploratory expedition to a new planet will always come with more risk than a trip to the local supermarket’ unless you have to take I-95 to get to the supermarket.

The selection process: After they have eliminated ‘unsuitable candidates’, the audience will have a say in who will be the first humans on Mars. Let’s hope Gary Busey, Lil Jon and Dennis Rodman get booted from ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ and are looking for their next ‘vehicle’.

The astronauts will eat fresh food that they produce on Mars through the use of high efficiency plant growing methods, in other words, once the meat is eaten on the way to the red planet you ‘ll be a vegan whether you like it or not.

In the case of Mars One, the audience will experience life on Mars in a much more direct, engaging and comprehensive way, through the astronaut’s eyes, like the first time they have to ‘go’ in the space ship. They will not just be ‘doing their job’, they will be living their lives, complete with all the emotions and struggles that are part of normal everyday life; except a wrong move might cost them theirs.

The risk factor: In space there are always things that could go wrong.
An accident during launch, vital components could malfunction during the journey, a number of ‘issues’ when entering Mars’ atmosphere, or there could be problems when landing.

Just think of this great conversation starter!

Just think of this great conversation starter!

Possible future Martian urban center. No drive thrus

Possible future Martian urban center. No drive thrus


Aside from that, have a good time for the rest of your life knowing that your Facebook page will be the center of nerds lives on Earth for the rest of yours.

Horrors! A billionaire is left behind. No funding for stadium

May 8th, 2013

Dolphin’s owner Stephen Ross reflected on his stadium funding loss, “We could have gone ‘21st century’ and had self-flushing commodes, but now, nada! I’m not even refilling the toilet paper in the restrooms. Let them use the programs.”
On the way from his mega yacht docked at his palatial mansion to his private jet, billionaire Stephen Ross chided the Florida Legislature for not even bringing the issue to a vote, “Just see if they even get a free seat in the ‘nosebleed’ section now.
Hey, there are 89 other people who are richer than me right here in the United States. Don’t think I’m so well off. They call me a ‘multibillionaire’ but doesn’t ‘multi’ mean ‘more than five?’ I’ve only got 4.4 billion.
The paint can fade, the turf can die and I’m calling it ‘Joe Robbie’ again.
It wasn’t just for my bottom line, but I wanted the next big super bowl to take place right here to boost the community and, who knows, possibly a couple of ordinary citizens may win the 2 remaining available tickets for the game.
Just think of it, a stadium full or rich and connected people with a few hundred locals waiting on them at minimum wage. When they leave South Florida after the game, the clean-up alone will provide meaningful employment through the middle of that week.
It wasn’t the tens of millions of taxpayer dollars. I really didn’t need that. It was the love and support I wanted. Not like those Marlins. They didn’t do it right. Their lawyers made sure no one in government would understand what the heck was going on. I think my lawyers can ‘out-law’ any of them but what did I get? Bupkis!
Renovate Miami’s Sun Life Stadium? Not right now. We don’t have a contract that will keep the Dolphins here in Miami. I’m thinking of moving them to the Cayman Islands. I’ve heard that’s where the money is.

Does 'Joe Robbie' need an upgrade? A billionaire is left behind

Does ‘Joe Robbie’ need an upgrade? A billionaire is left behind

Shocked diner finds toad in can of beans

May 6th, 2013

Gloria Chubb, a retired nurse from Indiana described her horror at finding a toad inside a can of green beans she had been cooking for dinner.
She found the experience so mortifying, she was nauseated for 2 days, and said “I don’t think I’ll have green beans anytime soon.”
The food manufacturer, Meijer, has since given her a refund. End of story.
BUT….If this scenario took place in Miami: Gloria will have a team of 6 lawyers on board before the beans are cold.
They would call a press conference and describe her nightmare of being chased by giant frogs through a bean field thereby establishing an ipso facto case of suffering an aversion to (Any shade of ) the color green, (Any and all) vegetables, small household appliances including can openers and to (Any and all) amphibians.
She also claimed she could not watch her local Public Broadcasting station for fear of spotting Kermit on an episode of Sesame Street.
She will file an affidavit for past and future pain and suffering. Even seeing ‘frog legs’ on a menu would cause immeasurable pain and suffering.
She’ll further claim she could never eat beans again which could cause a vitamin deficiency and subsequent weight loss causing her to join the only gym which specializes in her condition located on the island of Bali in the South Pacific.
The resultant weight gain would cause her to purchase new sets of clothing every month.
P.E.T.A. immediately alerted their lawyers to defend the dead toad.
Their central claim was the amount of shock the toad incurred as it travelled down the green bean assembly line, got washed off, disinfected and thrown into a boiling hot vat of beans causing the end of its already too short life. They sued the farm, the canning factory, the producer and the shipper. And what the hell, they sued Sesame Street too.
Her 911 call after the fact leaked to the press by P.E.T.A. included the comment, “AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!”

Lawyers claim even attending the Macy's parade would cause her stress!

Lawyers claim even attending the Macy’s parade would cause her stress!

Pope Benedict comes home to Vatican “I’m BAAaaack!” he gleefully shouts

May 3rd, 2013

Somewhat like an out of work college grad moving back in with the parents, Benedict XVI came back to his new retirement home, a converted monastery behind St. Peter’s Basilica. “I’m calling it a ‘Pope-astery’ now” he said, “and they gave me a really good deal on the rent.”
The implications of having two popes living alongside one another inside the Vatican were elevated by concerns when Benedict chose to be called ‘The Other Pope’ rather than ‘Emeritus Bishop of Rome.’
“I missed the Vatican more than I thought and I hope I’m not in the way. If Pope Francis and I happen to meet in the hall on the way to breakfast I’ll work it out with him as to who gets in the elevator first” he said as he adjusted to life with only 4 nuns and a personal assistant to wait on him hand and foot.
Pope Francis has garaged the ‘Pope-Mobile’ in favor of the bus so Benedict will at least have wheels to cruise to the Via Veneto for his mid-afternoon latte and gingerbread biscotti. “The gardens outside my door are attractive but I like to people watch” he said.
Benedict hoped his presence would help with the long lines at communion. “2 Popes, no waiting” he intoned. “I’ll help the new guy out with almost anything but those pesky law suits about the pedophilia I knew nothing about.”
He also raised eyebrows when he chose to continue wearing the white cassock of the papacy. “If you mistake me for him from the back, I won’t mind.”
“I miss the pomp of it all and, of course, the ‘deviled eggs’ they used to make for me. Just knowing there was a devil in the name, made it a little naughty” he said with a glint in his eye.

"We'll be like the Blues brothers except in white" Benedict predicts

“We’ll be like the Blues brothers except in white” Benedict predicts

Doesn’t taste like chicken

May 2nd, 2013

A man died at a Clackamas Oregon meat distribution plant after he fell into a large meat blender.
The accident happened while workers were cleaning the equipment and did not notice the huge sign that said, ‘Warning- falling into this machine while it is blending meat will result in human body parts being blended with prime beef.”
The prime beef already in the machine was downgraded to ‘chuck.’
Another worker realized something was wrong when he called out, “Hey Larry, what’s that funny grinding noise?” and didn’t get an answer.
A medical examiner ruled that the worker died of ‘blunt-force injuries and chopping wounds’ and if served as an entrée in a zombie diner, could be paired with a side of slaw and a nice Pinot Noir.
The machine was taken out of service and scrubbed repeatedly for the next 5 days.
Local restaurants hoping to cash in on the news will promote a ‘mystery meat’ restaurant crawl. Vegetarians need not apply.

Mystery meat finally defined

Mystery meat finally defined

Fly Un-friendly skies

April 29th, 2013

With the rising price of jet fuel, airlines have devised ever more imaginative methods to reduce the weight of their aircraft and save money with programs like the ‘Really skinny people with no baggage fare’.
In the real news, Delta announced it’s shrinking the size of its airlines bathrooms so it can add four more seats in every plane. The tiny sink will now be ‘soap dish size’ with no room for soap and you’ll wipe your hands on your pants. The ‘Mile high’ club is now closed!
More ways to generate revenue:
A threshold charge: When you actually step onto the airplane. There’s nothing you can do about this except ask to be stowed with the animals and be near death from the cold.
Buy a snack or a meal: None of these options are nutritious or filling unless you count the bread which seems to be 90% of the sandwich.
Your snack consists of; (A tiny box of about 17 Sun-Maid raisins) mixed nuts, (A tiny package of about 17 mixed nuts including 8 to 10 peanuts, 3 or 4 pecans, 2 cashews, 1 filbert and one half brazil nut (If you’re lucky), and something that made it through the sorters ‘weeding out’ process which will not kill you.
Seat selection: Here’s an area that can make or break a long flight. You can take your chances and be wedged between someone who snores and a crying infant or pay extra for an aisle seat. A ‘super’ premium aisle seat would mean sitting next to a very thin person (See: The ‘Really skinny people with no baggage fare’.)
Have you had enough? No? Ryan Air, an inexpensive European airline announced plans to renovate its 250 aircraft to feature a “standing room only” section to boost the number of passengers and reduce fares.
“We continue to look at historic forms of travel and see how they can be made better,” Stephen McNamara, the head of communications for Ryanair said. The “historic forms of travel include riding a Conestoga wagon across the country and anything would be better than that” he laughingly mentioned.
The “vertical seats” will take the place of 10 rows of traditional seating and two bathrooms knowing that you can ‘hold it’ longer while you’re standing.
If approved, flights could hold an additional 40 to 50 unhappy passengers.
Helpful hints:
Bring some pocket change for the Coin operated oxygen masks
You can read lips for free on the movie screens.

Flying outside the plane can save you money. Just tighten that seat belt!

Flying outside the plane can save you money. Just tighten that seat belt!

Brain mapping: where do we go from where?

April 23rd, 2013

President Obama said that federal agencies should plan to spend $100 million to jump start an effort to map the human brain. Their first step is to find a viable brain in Washington so they can get started.
Republicans in Congress immediately cried ‘Foul’ when they realized that they would not be included in the project. “We need to be included” said Representative Todd Akin R-Mo. “If we don’t have a map of the human brain, how will we find out where the actual thinking parts is?”
House Speaker John Boehner immediately stepped up and offered his brain for research, “When the time comes” he tearfully added. “I’ll take it now” Harry Reid D-NV laughed, ‘I don’t want to wait”
The current administration said it would be happy to have the republicans donate their brains. “There won’t be much of a difference in the intelligence around here” a White House spokesperson smirked, “but they probably could donate at least a portion of their brain if they could only get it out of their ass.”
“The brain project is a bold new research effort to revolutionize our understanding of the human mind. For example, we need to find out why men will never ask for directions, yet drive aimlessly for hours looking for their destination.”
How a brain weighs the pros and cons of a decision is crucial.
When a man’s brain goes from ‘I’m just watching the game today honey’ to ‘OK, show me that leaky pipe under the sink’, it can take his thought processes on a journey through a trillion synapse clicks and neural transmissions. Sometimes it simply takes a good looking woman walking by to unlock the secrets of why men’s brains simply ‘go blank’.
Any new scientific advances and breakthroughs will either require that 100 million dollars be spent and sequestration be damned or just hook up ten guys to electroencephalographs, give them an unlimited supply of beer and pole dancers and watch as the needle on the graphs dance to the music.
We won’t learn much, but it’ll be more fun than trying to balance the budget.

This is your brain. This is your brain in a jar. Any questions?

This is your brain. This is your brain in a jar. Any questions?

Taco Bell to add ‘nutrition’ by 2020 Can’t wait!

April 16th, 2013

Where can you get a fast meal with the salt equivalent of ‘Lot’s wife?
Taco Bell announced a nutritional plan. That’s like Gene Simmons seeing a psychiatrist about his ego.
They announced new nutritional plans to have 20 percent of its combo meals meet one-third of the Federal Government’s recommended dietary guidelines by 2020.

The only thing with more sodium, fat and calories is Ralphy May

The only thing with more sodium, fat and calories is Ralphy May


That’s 7 years away. They figure that by 2020 we’ll forget what they said because their lobbyists will have prompted legislators to do to dietary guidelines what Dennis Rodman did for diplomacy.

Why does it take so long to implement? It will take that long to replace the saturated fat in the cheese so it doesn’t taste like its container.

One order of Volcano Nachos at Taco Bell will supply 970 calories, 58 grams of fat and 1670 milligrams of sodium, or more than weight watchers allows in a month. It’s low priced, high in calories and with enough sodium to cure a ton of meat in the desert.
One portion size shared among a pack of medium sized Boy Scouts, will keep them alive in the forest for a week.

“Our customer tastes and needs are expanding as fast as their waistlines” says Greg Creed, CEO at Taco Bell.

As a result, says Creed, new products developed at Taco Bell will have to meet entirely new criteria. In the past, besides the taste, the key criteria have been the cost of the ingredients.
“Purchasing inexpensive ingredients like fillers and extenders like cow lips gives us a competitive edge but makes our customer base constantly turn over, pardon the pun.”

Going forward, he says, “the product also will be matched up against the chain’s new nutritional goals and we’re in uncharted territory here. We’re also aware of the food allergies and sensitivities of our consumers. That’s why the only ‘heavy metal’ found in the beef we buy is when the cow has listened to ‘Black Sabbath’.”

“We’re still working on the pronunciation of ‘chipotle’ around here.”

Kim Jong Un sails with the tide to deliver blow by water

April 11th, 2013

The North Korean Air force, consisting of hundreds of beautifully colored kites and a hot air balloon were told to “Stand down but with string in hand and continue to be ready” by their ‘Fearless Leader and Chief Organizer’ Kim Jong Un, as he waved happily from the newest ship in their fleet.
The ship, a modest vessel with no engine lays claim to the title of ‘The Quietest Ship Afloat.’ “It’s a stealth vessel and they’ll never hear us coming” said Yong Mon mu, an Admiral and chief ‘stick holder’ for the fleet of one.
“We’ve contacted the Guinness Book of Records and they said they would speak to ‘Ripley’s believe it or Not’ on our behalf” said a spokesperson.
Made of beams from the newly defunct main library of Pyongyang, its maiden and only voyage took place in a nearby lake.
The guidance system consisted of a sailor with a ‘gondola type’ stick which proved to be useless in water deeper than 5 feet during the ‘sea trials’ but hopefully will work out on the high seas.
The vessel is powered by eight sailors who were promised shore leave if they ever came back alive.
It might take us a while to get there” said the ‘Manager of Every Aspect of Korean Life’ “but we’ll cross the ocean and deliver a blow to the imperialists of America and escape before they know what hit them. Of course the tide has to be right.”

Kim Jong Un waves to shore as he leaves for America to deliver a death blow

Kim Jong Un waves to shore as he leaves for America to deliver a death blow

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