A ‘fly on the wall’ in Trump’s campaign

A fly turned into a superstar for a day when he was spotted in Donald Trump’s hair during a rally. “The funny thing was that he was talking about security issues when I dropped in” said the fly, now dead from natural causes. “Life is short but it was wild ride” he was quoted as saying after being caught and almost swatted to death by a trump staffer.

A spokesperson for a Clinton super PAC said “We didn’t know how it was going to turn out but we successfully infiltrated his campaign for a short time”. The fly, caught in trump’s intricate weave and spotted by everyone but Trump during his Anaheim California speech, said, after a harrowing escape, he’ll never work for the Democratic Party again.

Trained in reconnaissance since birth 2 weeks ago, the fly was flown in from New York by a George Soros operative posing as a maintenance worker and let loose in the Anaheim Convention Center Arena. The operative, caught when someone noticed he was wearing an Audemars Piquet on his wrist, was escorted out and thrown to some rabid Trump supporters who tarred and feathered him for good measure.

“I’m never doing that again”, said the fly, nameless because flies don’t have names. “They dropped me from the ceiling over the podium and I have to admit that when I landed in the hair, I was overcome by his hair spray fumes and probably wandered around a lot trying to get my footing. You’ve seen the video.

I was lucky to get out alive. It wasn’t worth the hassle. They promised me 2 weeks in George Clooney’s kitchen garbage at his Los Angeles home. That was never going to happen.”

The fly spent the rest of his natural life clinging to a wall in the Motion Picture and Television Retirement Home.

The famous fly just after landing

The famous fly just after landing

‘Spinning’ Turkey Point nuclear reactor’s problems

What’s the answer to the Turkey Point nuclear reactor’s problems?

The answer is ‘spinning’

To some, spinning is like walking on an airport moving sidewalk backwards. It doesn’t feel like you’re making any progress; almost like trying to reach a compromise with the tea party. It’s also a lot like Congress; there’s a lot of movement and you’re not going anywhere with a lot of other people who are not going anywhere.

hybrid crocs on patrol in South Florida

hybrid crocs on patrol in South Florida

In spinning, you get on a stationary bicycle and pedal, unlike being outside where the fun is trying to avoid being sideswiped by distracted drivers. To be fair, it puts you on a bike but not in garish bike jock tight fitting uniforms with the extra-large lettering.

Spinning class is for people who like to ride a bicycle and not have to wear those helmets that make you look like you’re going somewhere fast while you’re standing still.

The only fun in a monotonous exercise class like this is when the leader playfully yells, “Watch out for that truck” or “They’re throwing bottles at you….Duck!!”

All that energy, and it’s not being put to good use. The main wheel of a stationary bike could generate some serious electricity.

Let’s connect those wheels to a generator. We’ll hook up all the health clubs and send the excess power to the Turkey Point nuclear power plant. I think they need our help because the south Florida electric grid is about as stable as Donald Trump’s brain when he’s thinking about Hillary Clinton.

Speaking of natural predators, according to the Turkey Point website, the endangered American crocodile freely roams the protected wetlands and mangrove habitat of the plant cooling system. Watch for red glowing eyes at night when they roam too close to the towers.

When more people spin, less nuclear power is needed so we can ‘Go Green’ and ‘get the red out’. The crocs thank you.

And does it taste like chicken?

China’s foreign ministry has denied reports that Chinese food companies are canning human flesh and selling it in Africa as corned beef. “I’m sure people can tell the difference between corned beef and human flesh. Humans aren’t that salty” said Juang Diang Doo, a representative of the Committee to Export Flesh not from Humans.

The country’s state-run Xinhua news agency said one tabloid newspaper in Zambia was falsely quoting an unnamed woman living in China. “The woman won’t be hard to find” said Chen Hua Wee, a spokesperson for the Committee to Root out Evil. “Among the billions of women here, there’s bound to be one with a chip on their shoulder.”

The woman’s blog stated that Chinese firms were collecting dead human bodies, marinating them and packing them in tins. Chinese spokesman Hong Liou said the reports were “irresponsible”. “They weren’t marinated, they were pickled. And how did that blog get past the censors?

Ever since we started adding lead into baby food, the world wants to condemn us.

Since rural workers have limited education and almost no knowledge of hygiene and sanitation, how would they even know the difference between let’s say, a corned beef sandwich and someone’s dead rotting flesh? The learning curve is too high. Also corned beef is more expensive.”

Can anyone out there tell the difference?

Can anyone out there tell the difference?

Trump speaks for himself

The familiar voice was confident, even cocky; the cadence clearly sounded like Trump.  The man on the phone vigorously defending Donald Trump purported to be a media spokesman named John Miller, but then says, “I’m sort of new here,” and “I’m somebody that he knows and I think somebody that he trusts and likes” and even “I’m going to do this a little, part time, and then, yeah, go on with my life.”

This was Trump, speaking on his own behalf from the 1970’s through the early 90’s pretending to be his own spokesperson/publicist. With the story now out in the open, we peek into trump’s diary.

Dear diary, “I have so many people to choose from who want to be the Veep, how can I get a person who will blindly follow me into the gates of hell? How can I keep control?”

Dear diary, “After those damn reporters confronted me about my alter ego John Miller, I immediately pivoted and spun the story to fit my current ‘trustworthy’ persona. Will it work? Oh God I hope so.”

Dear diary, “I had an idea today that just about blew the hair right off my head. Except for one little ‘blip’ the John Miller/John Baron persona really worked out well for me. Who else knows the ‘real me’? Instead of choosing a Vice president, I’ll just appoint myself Vice President! Brilliant! Then I can be my own council. Let the Congress work things out for themselves, haven’t they screwed things up enough?”

Dear diary, “The more I think about it, the more ideas I get. Who the hell needs a Cabinet? I’ll rely on my own best practices. It’s worked for me so far, of course the family will have to step in once in a while. I’ll create a ‘Secretary of Fashion’ position for Melania.”

Dear diary, “On second thought, I need some diversity in the cabinet. My Secretary of Energy should be Sarah Palin. They still remember ‘drill baby drill’. There’s my woman. Education, I’ll go with Paul Rodriguez the comedian. I met him once and he seemed to be a nice guy. He’s my Hispanic.”

Dear diary, “A brilliant idea came to me last night. Larry David does a devastating Bernie Sanders. Wouldn’t it be a real hoot to have him around during a crisis? He could be Secretary of Humor. You gotta laugh, right?

Dear diary, “There’s no question as to the Press Secretary. Guess who?”

"I'm my own best council. And if you don't believe me, ask John Miller"

“I’m my own best council. And if you don’t believe me, ask John Miller”

Welcome to Miami: A visitors guide

After we welcome you, then what? A guide for visitors.

Hello international tourists. Hola, Bienvenu and Kon Nichiwa!  Miami International Airport wants to make you feel more welcome. You are the lifeblood of our economic system and we’d like you to enjoy spending whatever money you have or can get before you go home to your native land.

Airport and tourism officials unveiled a campaign that includes informational posters and digital displays designed to brighten up the sometimes exasperating task of getting through immigration, passport control and a cab ride to your destination. This type of publicity has been used before, but now with brighter colors and short, easy to read words, it differentiates the current from past marketing efforts. It also justifies the existence of the new advertising promotion budget.

After you leave the airport you’ll need to master local customs. Here are some helpful hints to make your stay fun and will get you home alive.

When you’re about to cross a busy street don’t point to the crosswalk. In your native land drivers will stop for you. Not here. This will confuse the drivers into thinking there’s something in the road they need to avoid. They will swerve dangerously close to you while shouting something you don’t understand.

If you’re visiting from England, you’ll see that we drive on the wrong side of the road. ‘Nuff said. Refer to previous paragraph.

Be aware that guns are ubiquitous which means that everyone is ‘packing’. Don’t say anything to anyone that will offend them like “Did you know climate change is real?” or “How do I get to Disney World?”

Do not under any circumstances agree to go somewhere ‘touristy’ and ‘kiss a dolphin’. This is an old trick designed to separate you from your money. Dolphins who have been scammed into agreeing to this sordid act make very little from this promotion.

If you don’t look like ‘us’ don’t worry, we regard all ‘aliens’ with suspicion. It’s just our way of dealing with a changing world. Purchase a plaid shirt, wear black socks with your sandals and keep a large styro-

"If you only knew what I was thinking, you wouldn't kiss me"

“If you only knew what I was thinking, you wouldn’t kiss me”

foam cup of café Cubano within reach which you will give to the locals as a peace offering.

Laughing cat syndrome consumes Earthlings

There were no auto accidents, no slow-downs and everyone was nice to each other on the road. Waiters were courteous and efficient. People opened doors for others. Cell phone usage in confined public spaces was virtually non-existent. Your doctor called right back and even offered to visit you at home if you couldn’t make it to the office. Your home team won! What happened? Was it something in the water? Did the stars align? Maybe.

Local leading astrophysicists and other smart people were baffled until they started talking to each other and, comparing celestial notes, realized that our Sun had come into perfect alignment with Earth’s axis. Of course something close to this happens every day, but a different and magical transference had also taken place.

A hair’s breadth shift in magnetic north occurred ever so slightly when hundreds of millions of people all over the planet, and without knowledge of each other, accessed Facebook on their cell phones to watch a cat laugh.

Scientists concurred that the ‘infotainment’ of this shared experience seemed to satisfy primal entertainment urges in such a way as to bring a temporary peace and calm in the shared experience of all people around the world.

Today’s technological advances coupled with thousands of satellite uplinks working on the same frequency at the same time caused the shift to occur. Unaware as we generally are, we should never discount the power of the internet and a laughing cat.

You've got to be smiling!

You’ve got to be smiling!

Devil shocked at Boehner’s Cruz comparison

A spokesperson for the devil has filed suit in federal court to enjoin John Boehner from further referencing Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh.”

Satanists around the country rose up in ‘righteous indignation’ at Boehner’s slight. “It’s not right that they drag the devil down to Cruz’s level of detestability. We’re a very small group, but at least there are more of us than those who’ll tolerate Cruz.”

“He certainly is not Lucifer, said the devil’s attorney, “Ted Cruz is giving Lucifer a bad name. Cruz is like, the worst person to compare the devil with. No one likes Cruz, not even that Fiorina person and he chose her as his running mate. How screwed up is that? Of course the devil is horrible, repulsive, evil, wicked, mean and nasty but he’s no Ted Cruz.”

Carli Fiorina’s campaign tweeted “He’s odious, but not that bad. I’m talking about the devil.”

Even Jim Cummings, the Congressional elevator operator steps out when Cruz gets in. “I can smell the Sulphur when that man walks into the elevator and no amount of Aqua Velva will help.”

Cruz: "So that's what a hug is"

Cruz: “So that’s what a hug is”

Don’t Passover the matzos

Passover is a little late this year. Let me apologize to anyone who expected it to be about the same time as Easter. In the interests of not confusing the children of mixed marriages, we’re running late. We’ve been running late for more than 5700 years and no one noticed until now. Other religions celebrate their holidays on the same day every year. Why can’t we get this concept together? It’s like a ‘floating’ holiday.

Matzo man

Matzo man

Pesach (Passover) is a Yiddish word meaning “I forgot to use the yeast”. Matzo are thin, bread like crackers and the odds of buttering one without it falling to pieces are the same as Congress passing anything.

Matzo is to bread as wallpaper paste is to pate’. Eating a sandwich made with matzo is like peanut butter and jelly without the bread.

The Passover meal is rich in both tradition and calories. It begins with matzo ball soup. The matzo ball recipe is passed down through the generations and in some families, guarded like the President’s nuclear codes briefcase. There are three consistencies; sponge ball, volley ball and cannonball, or ‘sinkers’.

This year, the eight-day holiday begins sundown on the 22nd and ends sundown April 30th  We need 7 days because that’s how long it takes a sinker to go through the digestive process. That’s right, as slow as Congress. (See second paragraph)

This is part of the religious symbolism of Judaism because around the 4th day we raise our hands to the heavens, and cry out, “My God, when will I pass this matzoh ball?”

Everything in the Passover meal like the Gefilte fish, the lamb, bitter herbs and the chocolate is symbolic. The bitter herbs symbolize our trek through the dessert without sunblock. Some may feel that the chocolate macaroons and chocolate covered matzoh is a reward for having to partake of the bitter herbs.

And then there’s the Haroset. (The ‘H’ is pronounced ‘CH’ which sounds like we’re clearing our throat) Haroset is the blend of fruit and nuts symbolizing the mortar which our forefathers used to build pyramids in Egypt. When we make the ‘ch’ sound, it also symbolizes the amount of dairy we’ve been storing in our throats. We mix the bitter and the sweet between a sandwich of matzoh to symbolize the feeling of the sweetness of leaving Egypt and the bitterness of paying retail for class ‘A’ accommodations when all we got was a tent in the dessert.

You can buy the matzoh, which are shrink-wrapped 5 one pound boxes to the package. This makes it virtually impossible to buy only the one box we will use.

On a graph, the matzoh buying season looks like a snake with a vertical 10 foot pole stuck in it a third of the way through the year.

When the cable company makes you take channels you don’t want like the Knitting Channel along with Comedy Central this is called bundling.  When Manischewitz does it, its simply called trying to sell a years supply in one week. That’s marketing.

Newest Ben and Jerry’s flavors reflect protest in Washington

Ben & Jerry, the co-founders of a fabulous ice cream that invents new names for their product based on popular trends have been arrested at the U.S. Capitol as part of ongoing protests in Washington about the role of money in politics.

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield took part in protests by a group called Democracy Awakening which is calling attention to the obscene amounts of money circulating in politics today.

The Vermont based company have produced flavors based on the protests starting with:

300 Strong’ It will include 300 separate ingredients, one for each of the demonstrators arrested with them.

Dazed and Confused’, a spin-off of the popular hazel nut flavor “Hazed and Confused’, will represent the consciousness of Congress and contain the dregs scraped from the bottom of the barrel each day.

Just Nuts’ no ice cream, but a quart container filled every kind of nut we could find, which says exactly what the system has become.

‘Just Dough’ contains nothing but dough and only sold under the counter at the most expensive Washington restaurants.

‘Go Phish Yourself’.  This is what congress thinks of you.

The Vermont-based ice cream company’s website says the purpose of the protests is to make sure everyone’s voice is heard “and that power in this country is returned to the people.”

It's 'Just Dough'. What did you expect, 'Go Phish Yourself'?

It’s ‘Just Dough’. What did you expect, ‘Go Phish Yourself’?

New rules for the Republican convention this summer

The upcoming Republican national convention in Cleveland received a petition signed by 50,000 people to allow guns in the Quicken Loans Arena. There will be no guns allowed according to the Secret service who handles security for national political conventions.

This has infuriated the gun advocates. The arena has a policy against guns or weapons of any kind.  Who will populate the 20,000 seat arena? The kinds of people who attend Trump rallies where violence has been the norm.

The republican National committee has struggled to find a way to placate the gun advocates with some updated rules.

1, a collapsible baton or a short baseball bat that fits in your backpack, should be no problem for those who want to ‘let off some steam’.

2, a pepper spray kiosk in the lobby will be fully stocked for your convenience.

3, trained personal attack dogs will be temporarily licensed for ‘emotional support’ and be available to convention attendees.

4, psychics will be stationed at all entrances to ‘identify’ possible troublemakers to those with an urge to ‘throw someone out’.

5, Punching bags with the face of Hillary Clinton will be located outside all restrooms for a quick ‘tension relief moment’.

6, giveaways of socks filled with ball bearings will be in the delegates welcome package.  (Elephant logo optional) It will also contain a reminder that popping balloons do not sound like gunfire, so there’s no need to hit the floor.

7, turn the convention into a reality show where Donald Trump exhorts his followers to ‘do what it takes’ to get him the nomination.

8, If Trump is not nominated, run like hell!

They better not mess with Yosemite Trump!

They better not mess with Yosemite Trump!

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