Summer travel season is here! Get ready to stay home

Summer travel season is on us quicker than a skeeter at sunset.

Look like fun? At least you have a seat.

Look like fun? At least you have a seat.

What’s the only ‘downer’ when you go on vacation? Is it packing to go or paying the bills after you’re home? Is it finding out that your pet was on Ebay and ordered dog toys from Neiman Barkus?

If you answered ‘flying there’ you are among the many air travelers who fly coach, or as the airlines call you, ‘The untouchables’. You’re cooped up in a small space with strangers, no food and you don’t really know when you’ll get out, sort of like being kidnapped, except you pay.

Service? You’re asked to re-fold those threadbare blankets you share with the other prisoners and wonder if they were ever cleaned. You pay to be ferried about like a piece of chattel not sure you or your luggage will get to your destination on time or at all. When Orville Wright took a passenger to Philadelphia and their luggage to Omaha, he set the standard. Air travel is mile for mile, a much safer way to travel than by car; but a car is already on the ground.

There was a time when men flew, they wore jackets and ties. It was as if everyone flew first class. Now people can fly wearing the same amount of material as a tie. We don’t have to remove our ties because there was never a ‘tie bomber’. We remove our shoes because someone had something dangerous in their shoe. I’m glad he didn’t hide it in his underwear.

If you’ve got the miles you can count yourself among those who get a seat big enough to fidget in and guess what; real food. What they offer in coach never even qualified for the food pyramid.

With enough miles, you’re first on first off. The announcement goes like this: “We’ll pre-board our first class passengers, so will our gold, platinum, executive platinum, extreme executive elite platinum, uranium, and all other privileged classes please, when you’re ready, board your aircraft. The rest of you, form a scrum behind that line and when I say go, make a mad dash for whatever seats are left and don’t even think about using the first class toilet, just hold it in till Pittsburgh.”

Once on board you’re fully screened, scanned, scoped and do not have to fear for your safety. You can fear for your safety on the ground right here in Florida.

For that fun summertime family treat, next time you can afford to enter Disneyworld be assured you’re fairly safe in the magic kingdom. Disney, at first, refused to abide by the laws of the State of Florida which said you may carry a gun to work in your locked vehicle. They maintained that they were not under the jurisdiction of those laws. Now, they say, they’ll allow employees to pack heat, but only if they’ve satisfied all requirements of their parole. So remember, no short jokes when you have breakfast with the seven dwarfs and Grumpy has no sense of humor. If your child goes up to Goofy, kicks him in what look like shins, and he excuses himself for a moment to go out to his car, quickly head for the monorail and hope you can get a seat.

Miami rude? Get off our lawn!

Financial news and opinion website 24/7 Wall St. says Miami is the worst city in America in which to live. Worse than Detroit or Paterson, N.J. Bam! So we have traffic, some pythons and a little ‘sea rise’ on Miami Beach. So what!

Hey America, are you jealous of our sunshine and party-going culture? What is there about beaches and rich, beautiful bodies that makes you slam us that way? Don’t we acknowledge you with a quick glance in the elevator on our way to the spa?

Lately we’ve been called many nasty things, but worse than Detroit? That’s a new low. Forty-eight hours after processing that tidbit we enjoyed another drink and rejected the criticism. We then woke up from an all-nighter of dancing and prancing on South Beach to find Travel and Leisure Magazine, our go-to tome in the waiting room of our favorite plastic surgeon for our annual butt lift assessment to find it released its annual poll of regular travelers.

Miami came in at No. 1 on the list of “15 rudest cities in America”.

Rude? What is there about muscling to the head of a line, any line, just because we’re good looking? We wrote the book on ‘line jumping’. We cut our teeth as ‘lane jumpers’ into the HOV lane on I-95. Just wait there in line at the restaurant or club. It’s a good vantage point as you look at us. Wasn’t one of the reasons you came here for a quick getaway was to look at us?

Anyway, if you’re too busy reading surveys, you may not have read about Brexit, Britain’s exit from the European Union. What’s a ‘brexit’? Where’s Britain? What’s a union? Doesn’t matter! Keep dissing us and we’ll start thinking about ‘Flexit’ and I’m not talking muscles here, although part of our charm is beautiful well sculpted, if vacuous, people. If you keep spurning us, Flexit could be the South Florida exit from the rest of the country. You can keep Disney-World and the other ‘family’ destinations. We’ve got better lines to jump.

Yes, these girls are just average here!

Yes, these girls are just average here!

Death by selfie

Selfie-related accidents have lately killed more people worldwide than shark attacks.

Most of the recently deceased would probably wish to be known as killed by a shark instead of a camera. Their self-absorbed friends would say “Yeah, if you’ve got to go, that’s the way to do it.” Since 2014, the most dangerous places to take a selfie are high places or in water with 16 dying from falling off a cliff and 14 drowning. In third place were those who posed next to an oncoming train.

Conde Nast Traveler reported that more people had died during selfie accidents, while less people worldwide were killed in shark attacks including the recent death of a tourist who fell down the stairs at the Taj Mahal while trying to snap a selfie. While tumbling to his death he was heard to say “Wow, I hope this pic gets a lot of likes.”

The group ‘Friends of Sharks’ didn’t like the comparison. “There’s a difference” said FOS President Gloria Dinardo, “On one hand you’ve got lone wolves shunning all contact with others of their species and then there are the sharks.”

There are also shark encounters contributing to a couple of deaths with people taking selfies with a shark over their shoulder. The risk factor here is similar to jumping off the Empire State building and thinking you’ll land on a pile of mattresses.

There are many creative ways to selfie-destruct.

About 40 people suffered burns while walking across hot coals at a Tony Robbins’ “Unleash the Power Within and the Blisters Without” seminar in Dallas.

An estimated 7,000 people walked across the coals at the event but witnesses said that those that were injured were distracted and either on their cell phones during the walk or taking selfies and other pictures.

Five people ended up being transported to a local hospital and took selfies in the ambulance memorializing the trip forever on Facebook. “That experience was far better than sending a picture of my lunch,” said a burn victim, who ironically didn’t want his name used. “My friends actually saw me getting singed and that’s a first.”

Robbins claims that a coal-walking experience gives people a chance to do something that they normally wouldn’t do or think possible. “When would a person ever think about walking on hot coals for free as opposed to paying big bucks to walk on them” said Robbins. “That’s how I make my living, and that’s pretty cool,” he laughed.

"Look mom, no brains!!"

“Look mom, no brains!!”

New NRA initiatives echo reality

In the wake of the country’s worst gun violence, the Congress voted down 4 gun control bills. The NRA then proposed a new series of initiatives that would soothe citizen fears.

“It’s simple” said NRA spokesperson Jimmy ‘shooter’ McClanahan, “The public should not be able to read about any future killings. Newspapers, TV and the internet media should ‘self-censor’ so that Americans are not troubled by the news. This would be a public service. Relative to the population at large, being killed should be the last thing on the average person’s mind.”

“More people die doing a crossword puzzle than choking on chicken bones” said NRA advocate Lyle ‘big guns’ Johnson “so sitting in your easy chair can be fatal to your health. I read that on the internet.”

NRA president Wayne LaPierre, in a press release stated “We’re like the ‘de facto’ 4th branch of government and as such, we’re proposing restrictions on knives and other means of self-defense. Guns are the primary weapon of choice, so why use anything else. The ’knife lobby’ is virtually non-existent anyway.

Bringing a knife to a gun fight is like flying to the moon on a Frisbee. Theoretically it can happen but don’t count on it.”

With a metaphorical gun to their back, lawmakers decided to continue raking in money from the powerful NRA lobby as opposed to protecting citizens from rampant use of assault weapons by those placed on a terror watch list in the last 5 years.

Let them know how you feel

Let them know how you feel

My Un-Bucket List

The bucket list is a phenomenon that came about when baby boomers started realizing they had not done all the things they wanted to do. What about the things they never wanted to do?

This is my un-bucket List:

I will never start a column with the words ‘Before I die’

I will never send a picture of my lunch on Facebook

Never ‘un-friend’ a psychotic serial killer from my neighborhood

I will never walk close to the everglades during python season carrying a pet Chihuahua

Never tell someone who has had a few cafecitos to ‘slow down’

Never turn down Novocain to impress the dental assistant

Not paint my body and go shirtless to a football game in January

And never go bowling on ‘Shirtless Tuesday’

I will never buy a ‘bogo’ I don’t need simply because it’s a ‘bogo’

After drinking heavily I will never get a tattoo to ‘join the crowd’

Never get stuck in an elevator with Donald Trump

Never wear a skin tight bicycle suit

Never wear a skin tight bicycle suit in Miami in August

Will never reject gluten in any form at least until I ‘break out’

Never shop for shoes anywhere but DSW

Never join the JV bomb defusal team

Never jump from a perfectly good plane

Never bungee jump (See above)

Never get so close to a tornado that I can get a great picture

Never try to drag race a small car with a loud muffler

Never assume the person behind me will stop when the light turns yellow

Never watch a reality show with self-centered ‘wives’

Never try to yodel on a bet after a couple of drinks

Never take bagpipe lessons

Never pick up a Rubik’s Cube that is not ‘finished’

Never swing into a body of water from a tree at low tide

Don't try these at home either

Don’t try these at home either

Never take lessons in ‘fire spitting’

Never join the Polar Bear club

Never write another column with so many ‘nevers

“We’ll use ‘Kickstarter’ to bail out Puerto Rico; Mitch McConnell

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell: “We’re actually thinking about the best way to help our brothers and sisters in Puerto Rico and ‘Kickstarter’ is the place to begin.

“This is not a do-nothing Congress” he said. It’s obvious that Obama got Puerto Rico into its fiscal mess by letting them do their own thing. What better way to occupy our time in Washington than to shift the blame on someone else and let public opinion do the rest.

We dialogued various sites and Teespring, a T-shirt crowdfunding site didn’t make the cut. No one’s buying, not even if the T-shirt says “I helped save Puerto Rico and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”

“This will not be a bail-out” said McConnell, “People from all over the world will chip in a few bucks or whatever they use for money there, to help our neighbor to the north or is it the south?

We did this at great personal cost. It was either aid the nation that gave us ‘Mofungo’ or cut a weapons system that doesn’t work.”

“Now let me get back to the business of running America into the ground.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Ky., and the Senate GOP leadership,listens during a news conference on Capitol Hill in Washington, Tuesday, April 23, 2013, following a Republican strategy session. At left is Senate Minority Whip John Cornyn of Texas.   (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Ky., and the Senate GOP leadership,listens during a news conference on Capitol Hill in Washington, Tuesday, April 23, 2013, following a Republican strategy session. At left is Senate Minority Whip John Cornyn of Texas. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Styrofoam bank coming to parks along with $50 fine

“It’s all about bringing the bank and possibly a fine, to you”

The $50 fine would be leveed to new customers and used as a payback to County Commissioners for giving us this opportunity.

The banking industry is expanding into the nation’s parks where they hope to develop a new customer base. “These new, portable banks will be made entirely of Styrofoam thus cutting costs and bringing additional savings to customers” said Wilbert Rudolfo, customer service manager for TDI. “To celebrate this new innovation, we’re raising our rates for new accounts. Instead of giving them 0.03% on an account we’ll happily bump that up to 0.12% which would be triple or maybe quadruple the interest!

If it's in the newspaper, how could it be wrong?

If it’s in the newspaper, how could it be wrong?

It’s all about customer service. Styrofoam construction gives us the capability to move around the park to address the needs of our clients. It will be a totally mobile experience. For the first time in history, the bank will come to you where you play or where you swim. It’s that portable!

For example, we’ll start the week at the basketball courts for those who need money for ice cream and the weekend will see us, well, wherever the winds blows.

When we first proposed Styrofoam buildings to the S.E.C. they told us “No way!” but when we explained safety was not an issue because if we saw a bank robber approaching the building, we could just pick it up and walk away. They were satisfied with that explanation.

What they weren’t satisfied with was the spell-check option the Miami Herald writer forgot to turn off.”

New driver’s test released: RUN!

In the interest of public service we’d like you to be aware of the State of Florida regulations for the renewal of your driver’s license.

Be aware. They are even on the roads!!!

Be aware. They are even on the roads!!!

Step 1, Sit down, drink the beverage of your choice and open the book of regulations

Step 2, Don’t get excited, many people have gone through the process on which you are now embarking. That’s why you had that drink.

Step 3 Think about moving to Georgia where the rules are probably easier

Step 4, Just kidding about step 3, but bring your birth certificate with you if you were born here in the USA. If not born here, have an affidavit stating you were born somewhere else. Have it signed by an important official from your native country.

If the person from the driver’s license bureau cannot pronounce your name or the name of the country in which you were born just tell them Sweden. If they look at you funny and start to reach for a phone, tell them it was really a near-by country and the border was moved too many times to keep track.

Step 5, List any infractions you have been cited for or think you should have been cited for in the previous 15 years. Include alternate side of the street parking violations.

This is a crucial step to determine if your lack of driving skills comes down to the driving level of many of our metropolitan areas. If you’re a good driver, just be aware that our chance at staying on the top ten of worst drivers in America might be in jeopardy.

We’ve added a couple of helpful hints: Does Florida law need you to keep your driver license address current within 10 days after moving? Thanks for asking. Yes! Since most people wait until they are stopped for an infraction to start the paperwork, we’re giving you the #1 excuse. “I didn’t technically move because most of my stuff is still in my parent’s house”.

If you currently hold a credit-card style license issued after 1996 you’ve got it made.

If not, just sit down and have another drink, take out your #3 Ticonderoga pencil (black only) and fill out form AASFL-486-3-HH04 front and back which can be obtained by calling the Florida Driver License Bureau in Tallahassee and being put on hold for 2 full business days. If you’re still holding on the third day, they know you’re serious and will take action. ‘Take action’ is Tallahassee speak for ‘let’s go on a break’.

If the Division of Motorist Services requires you to certify where you live, don’t worry, just tell them the truth even if you’re in prison and have no need for a driver’s license. Ask your prison ‘roommate’ who will verify almost any information for a carton of cigarettes.

Step 6, Why get a license in one of the worst areas for ‘road rage’ in the entire country anyway?

Lane ‘Jumpers’ face new challenge on I-95

State Police records show more than 12,000 crashes in the express lanes in Miami-Dade County in the past three years and that doesn’t count the jerks who don’t get caught. The FDOT spends $1 million a year replacing damaged and missing plastic poles and that may be why it costs more when it’s busier.

It sometimes looks like the three stooges re-creating the San Francisco car chase scene from Bullitt.

Local 10 News ‘discovered’ many drivers are ignoring the poles and driving right over them. I hope they didn’t pay for that research.

The Florida Dept. of transportation has announced it will replace all the delineating posts on the I-95 HOV lanes. The new poles will be of sturdy construction, placed 5 feet apart instead of ten and every 8th pole will be solid steel.

“Steel poles are one way we can discourage lane changers” said Bill Rafferty, reality check supervisor for the D.O.T. “Of course our insurance package will need upgrading as well.”

If this doesn’t work we’ll fix it so once you enter, you can’t exit until somewhere in Georgia.

FDOT spokeswoman Tish Burgher said “If people obey the law and drive the speed limit, it is perfectly safe, and the Sun revolves around the Earth.”

If you get out alive you'll be grateful to pay the exorbitant toll

If you get out alive you’ll be grateful to pay the exorbitant toll

A ‘fly on the wall’ in Trump’s campaign

A fly turned into a superstar for a day when he was spotted in Donald Trump’s hair during a rally. “The funny thing was that he was talking about security issues when I dropped in” said the fly, now dead from natural causes. “Life is short but it was wild ride” he was quoted as saying after being caught and almost swatted to death by a trump staffer.

A spokesperson for a Clinton super PAC said “We didn’t know how it was going to turn out but we successfully infiltrated his campaign for a short time”. The fly, caught in trump’s intricate weave and spotted by everyone but Trump during his Anaheim California speech, said, after a harrowing escape, he’ll never work for the Democratic Party again.

Trained in reconnaissance since birth 2 weeks ago, the fly was flown in from New York by a George Soros operative posing as a maintenance worker and let loose in the Anaheim Convention Center Arena. The operative, caught when someone noticed he was wearing an Audemars Piquet on his wrist, was escorted out and thrown to some rabid Trump supporters who tarred and feathered him for good measure.

“I’m never doing that again”, said the fly, nameless because flies don’t have names. “They dropped me from the ceiling over the podium and I have to admit that when I landed in the hair, I was overcome by his hair spray fumes and probably wandered around a lot trying to get my footing. You’ve seen the video.

I was lucky to get out alive. It wasn’t worth the hassle. They promised me 2 weeks in George Clooney’s kitchen garbage at his Los Angeles home. That was never going to happen.”

The fly spent the rest of his natural life clinging to a wall in the Motion Picture and Television Retirement Home.

The famous fly just after landing

The famous fly just after landing

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